homaygad!! it's been FOREVER since i last wrote here! dammnn!! i'm so sorry you guys... a lots been happening... i mean a LOT... for one.. we broke up, yeah.. i know... shocking isn't it? 9 months down the drain, just like that... and i thought he didn't wanna break up.. whatever, moving on... what else? well that break up was like the highlight of this year... aside from other depressing moments... liking getting rejected... but anyway, that's another story... what i'm about you is gonna knock you off your seat... not really... okaay... so i heard from him that his friends from cebu totally hate me for what i supposedly "did" to the guy... i'm not gonna lie to any of you, i got fucking pissed and hurt... like what the fuck??!! you people don't even know me!! yes, and until now, i'm still pretty pissed... and why shouldn't i be? it's like judging a person without gettin to know that person first... and most of his friends don't know who i am, execpt for like one girl.. they only know me through what i do to the guy... it's just unfair for me... but what do they care right? all they know is that i'm this mean (ex)girlfriend of their bestfriend whom they want to protect... fack you people... seriously... you don't know my side... and you call yourselves Christians? pleeease... i'm sorry, i'm just still pissed... but that's no excuse, i'll say whatever the hell i want... so what you gonna do? ban him from asking me to be his (future) girlfriend? FINE. GO AHEAD. i don't give a damn if you load his mind with bullshit about me. then he's gonna complain why he lost me? thank your friends, sweetie. they didn't want a PERSON like me in his life. and just what kind of person am i now? a MEAN person? you tell me. oh shit. i forgot. haha YOU DON'T KNOW ME!! so you can't tell shit about me now can you? aww, poor friends. you guys are so pathetic. hating me won't make you people pretty. some of you don't even need to be more pretty... cos you already are! so STOP HATING ME!!! i'm telling you, you don't know SHIT about me!!! you think you're so cool, and suave that EVERYBODY like you? you just don't know the few people who hate you.. cos while you're busy hating me, some people are busy hating you. so as of now, i should be thankful, cos since i don't hate you people NOW, somebody's already hating you for me... i don't wanna hate them back.... i don't wanna be either of you.

i haven't been writing here for awhile. my apologies. anyway... i'm always down, depressed, mad, etc. does everyone have to put me down? even my own friends who i THOUGHT were my friends at school seem to put me down, and get this, they put me down all because of stupid rumors they hear. can't you guys stop it? this is not the first time, and it probably won't be the LAST time i will say this, but, for your sake i will say it again. RUMORS ARE NOT TRUE. and the more you spread it, you become caught in a web full of lies... in this, "web", did you check to see if YOUR other friends are caught in it to? yes, they are, aren't they? cos they started that shit rumor! you are my friends you are there to lift me up and NOT drag me down, and keep me in the dirt til i have no more room to breathe anymore! why do you do this? you guys are my friends, or at least i thought you guys are... how could you? how DARE you! and you even dragged my own boyfriend into believing you guys!! so ok, we went to EK that time, i did tell stephen i was going with kheem, anj, etc, some things happened that wasn't supposed to happen, but WE DID NOT MAKE OUT! i am not that kind of person to do that behind my BOYFRIEND's back! if you do believe that, then you do NOT know me. and to think you guys were my friends? and you all know this isn't the first rumor about me that you believed, no it isn't, remember the "flirting" rumor? yes i still remember that, how could i? you people nearly drained the life out of me, and this one? you guys stabbed me to death and left me bleeding... even my own boyfriend believed his BESTFRIEND rather than me, you guys need to get your fucking FACTS right... you guys weren't even there at ek, so how the hell would you know if we did make out? you guys never learn do you, and you know dan, he makes shit up! how many times?? and still you choose to believe him more than me? is something wrong with me? if there is please! tell me! i'd have to change again! you guys left me miserable when the flirting rumor began... and to think that was last year... now i'd have to suck it up and live my life being incomplete. now you know rumors can really "kill" a person, you should know, I'M your living PROOF... think before you talk... if you don't wanna feel guilty or hurt anybody... use your coconut! it's there for a reason!! i have nothing more to say.. and don't think i'm fully over it cos i smile everyday, well, i'm not, i hate seeing my friends everyday and knowing what they do to me... it just isn't right. goodbye.

do you know how painful it is when your own friends feel awkward around you? if not, then you wouldn't know how i feel. i thought they were my friends, friends who enjoys each others company even when you're with your bf/gf... they didn't want me included all because they know i get "jealous" when i see other girls hanging around my guy... if i was included, i wouldn't have to be jealous, why would i? i'm with him aren't i? why do they have to feel awkward? why?! is it because all his attention is with me and not them? i would think he'd give them attention, too, not just only me, after all, WE are hanging out, it's not just the two of us, two of our friends, or so i thought they were, are there as well. i didn't wanna become this, a jealous girlfriend, i didn't wanna be "tagged" as his jealous girlfriend, but what can i do? is it my fault i'm with a guy who all the girls wanna be with? i have to be careful, protective, in the end they understand that as just being jealous. i hate what i've become, i know it's not what he wants, for all i know it's not what everyone wants... it's like i'm being watched, judged for every wrong move i make, i hate feeling that way, it makes me think everyone hates me, or find something to hate about me, do they know what they're doing to me?! doubt that. every day i come home after school, and you know what i do? i go to the comforts of my room and cry. cry for another day gone bad all because i felt a bit jealous, or made him be a bit mad at me, for arguing about some stupid thing... i cry cos i don't wanna be jealous anymore, i don't wanna keep him from doing stuff all because it would make me jealous... let him go out more with his other girl friends, watch a movie with them, let them have my bf for a day! i won't get jealous... i'll show them i won't get jealous... let them have my world, go ahead... I WON'T GET JEALOUS



i'll just regret it all later

QUIZ: IS IT TRUE LOVE?

It was love at first sight- or was it?

How can you tell the real thing from a fleeting attraction?

1. When you think of him, you think of:

a. his face
b. his voice
c. his body
d. the fact that he still owes you 100 for pizza from the other night

2. To you he smells like:

a. fresh bread
b. soap
c. wet dog
d. sauerkraut (and you don't like sauerkraut)

3. When you see him you hear:

a. a heavenly choir
b. violins
c. a talk radio station
d. fingernails on a chalkboard

4. On your first date he gave you:

a. a love poem
b. flowers
c. nothing
d. the flu

5. You're first words to him are:

a. "I think I'm in love."
b. "Nice shirt."
c. "Is this the line for the bathroom?"
d. "Move it, Tubby!"

6. he's like his father because:

a. he's honest
b. he works hard
c. he snores
d. he has a pot belly

7. You're favorite thing about him is:

a. the way he respects you
b. the way he listens to you
c. the way you look together
d. the way he fades into the woodwork when you don't need him

8. Your favorite time with him is:

a. alone together, kissing
b. on the phone, talking late at night
c. those funny little silences that prove you don't have to talk to be close
d. watching him drive away

9. If you had to describe him in one phrase, you'd call him:

a. king of men
b. nice
c. adequate
d. scum


Scoring:

If you chose mostly a's, you've found bliss! True love! Just keep an eye on it
so it won't go sour.

If you chose mostly b's, you have a prefectly good relationship.
Maybe it will blossom into true love later-you never know.

If you chose mostly c's, you're biding your time with someone who doesn't reallly
grab you. Let go and find someone who makes your heart race.

If you chose mostly d's, nuff said. You're either cynically using your honey or
else you think this is how love should be. Don't settle! And get out of this
trap before you turn bitter!

times have changed. now that it has, he talks to me less and less now, just a little hi sometimes, a "watsup?" now and then, and in between, "i love you's". but that's it. we talked more back then, like almost everyday after school, and on weekends too. i'd waste my load cos of texting him, i don't mind cos i'm using my load on him and not some other person.

he doesn't have that much time for me anymore, he used to stop what he was doing to be with me, to talk to me, just stay with me only. it kills me to see him with her more than me, it kills me to see my world in the hands of another girl, but i won't let him know that, cos he will just fight me, he'll just say i'm being jealous. of course i am, it's a normal reaction you know. but i've improved.

and i'm sure there's many more changes that he has made without him knowing, but i won't tell it here anymore, those two are just more important to me, for i need him more and more everyday, and the problem is that he doesn't seem to notice that=( i truly miss those times when he was always with me, always talks to me, now it feels like i'm "sharing" him with everyone else, and by "everyone", i mean girls, he's too sweet around them but he can't be romantic with me anymore... what's happening? i guess i shouldn't complain, i'd just have to adjust to everything again, even though that would hurt me a bit, that's ok, cos you know why? i love him, and i'd do anything to make him happy, even though it might affect me, so here i go, understanding why he might not talk to me less and less, here i go, understanding why he might not have time for me, here i go, realizing why he might not be that romantic anymore, and lastly, here i go... sharing the guy i so deeply love with those other girls, and i'll just watch as my world falls into their hands instead of mine, watch my world have fun with them, and all i'll do is watch and be happy for him... and if i'm lucky, he'd allow me to be in his world the way he allows them to be in his.

i cried today. no one knew why. i was being pressured and the only way i could get it out of me was to cry. and on top of that i had a problem and stephen couldn't be serious for one minute. he was being insensitive to how i feel now. i tell him my prob and all he does is laugh about it. i don't think that's funny... don't you? sure, i guess he's trying to cheer me up, make me feel better and all, but i just wanted him to listen to me without having to laugh. does he think my problems are funny? could be. i don't laugh at his problems so why does he laugh at me?

i ate lunch somewhere today. no one knows where. i didn't even feel like conversing with anyone. i wanted to talk to stephen, but i changed my mind. i just want him to take all my problems away for just a moment so i'd be free of all problems... but no, he might laugh, therefore i am forced to talk about it to my probs to my friends, but they might not understand. so i just keep it to myself and figure it out on my own. don't tell me i didn't try though. when i'm with stephen, he seems to take my worries and problems away even though he couldn't take them away for good, but for that one moment, i feel that he could. i wanna feel that way again whenever i tell him my problems, but now he just laughs and i feel worse than before... i wish he's understand... or at least try to...


<3

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you! Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter. You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover. Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives. Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours. No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

oh my *blushes* coolness!!=) i'm a fantasy lover *drool* bwehe

so many people are complaining why i'm not blogging.... well, it's late, and so i'm gonna blog, for the sake of others asking me to blog... oh and sorry for not blogging as often:(

(fyi: this does not concern anyone ok? it's just a post. ty)

To love and be loved; it is said to be one of the greatest things you will ever encounter in life. i cannot even begin to fathom the amount of emotion that goes into it, whether it be pain or happiness. after watching so many romantic movies, and reading so many books and teenage magazines, i can't help but wonder if i have begun to get the wrong idea of what being in love is like. the knight in shining armor who saves the wounded young girl, or the young boy and girl who are so in love and yet have to fight so hard in order to be with each other because outside forces try to pry them apart. and yet in the end, everyone lives happily ever after. but in reality, when does this happen? i know of no one who's ever had a love life like this. yet in my heart i still believe that if you believe it's true, then it could happen. after all, these stories and feelings and emotions just don't come out of no where, they come from somewhere deep inside of you, a place so vulnerable that you know it's real.

i'm not sure if i put too much thought into it, but i have so many things going through my head that maybe it would be better for myself and those who might come to read this, that i just type them. as said before, i don't believe i’ve ever been in love, after all, if you have to question it, then how is that real? but i can tell you that i’ve experienced heartbreak. being so infatuated with someone and making yourself so vulnerable to them, giving them everything you have, hoping to God that they catch you, and in the end, they don't. and you fall harder than you've ever fell before. and your heart breaks. to those who've never had their heart broken, i must say, are very lucky. and although they may think the thought of "your heart actually breaking" is absurd, it's true. the gut wrenching feeling you get, and you don't know whether to cry or scream. and you can't help but wonder how someone could unintentionally hurt you so bad.

you hurt, and you don't stop hurting. you go through stages of being upset and infuriated, you think of ways to get back at them but when it boils down to it, you can't tell someone else how to feel, like all of the romance novels and books say, your heart decides who it wants. and it just so happens that although your heart chose them, theirs didn't feel the same way. you listen to songs of heartbreak and watch movies, or try and find someone to fill the place in your heart that was so unwillingly ripped out. but nobody, or anything, can put back together that broken heart except you. you may find someone to help fill it for a while, but what is it they’re doing? trying to put back those pieces? and what happens if that person leaves?

when one's heart is broken, they need to repair it themselves. of course you still think about him, and you'll still get that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see him. the one that before the heartbreak made you light up inside and now makes you sick to your stomach, but you still in some strange way love it. no guy since him has been able to give you that feeling, but that's okay. after getting it, you don't want to settle for anything less. you turn away other options because of him; he sets standards for everyone after. you know that what he did, he didn't do intentionally. you know that he felt strongly about you, because you felt it. but something was in the way, some freak cosmic force got in the way of something that could have been great. and unlike the romance movies, it stopped you from being together. maybe it just wasn't the right time, maybe there never will be a right time. but they did teach you something, they taught you to not give yourself away so easily, maybe not in a sexual way, but in an emotional way.

i strongly believe that anybody who comes into a person’s life is there for a purpose. there for the heartbreak that he caused you is in whatever way, for a purpose. even if you don't want him in the way that you did before, he still has some part of you, and as much as you wouldn’t want to admit it, he probably always will. you gave him something that he couldn't give back even if he wanted to, because you give it away once, and only once, and you can't get it back. whether he wanted it or not, your heart chose him. for whatever reason, it did. you gave him everything you had, giving him the option to make or break you. and he broke you. after awhile you repaired yourself. maybe not fully, but it's been put back together with some pretty strong glue. except this time you put iron bars around it, with a double lock key, so the next time some knight in shining armor try's to unlock to your heart, he's going to have to fight for it.


there we go... and jose? it's not anymore one whole big paragraph=P

i just wanted to make this cos i was really fucking bored:) this has no connection with anyone whatsoever... maybe it can be, but some parts only ^_^ if you think it's too long and that you are lazy to read this, then don't, but for those people who love to read what i put here, enjoy.


you think you know me. but do you really? even if you spend loads of time with me, chances are, you don't. you don't know what's really running through my mind when you talk to me or what i do when i'm home alone. maybe im thinking about being in your arms. maybe i'm wishing we were never friends. you don't know the millions of emotions you could be causing me. i could be in love with you, in lust with you, or hating your guts at this very moment. i might have problems of my own; maybe i'm breaking down inside while you waste your time trying to make your problems my own. maybe they are my own, because maybe i really don't have any life other than what you see. you can call me slow, but you will never know what is really going on inside my head. my mind could be so complicated and full of life that i simply don't have time to process what you are saying. really, i'm a smart girl; you just can't see that. maybe even smarter than you'll ever be. or maybe i actually am stupid; and it will take me twice as much work to get somewhere that you could be with little or no effort. but who would it be more worthwhile for? i appear to be happy go lucky most of the time, but what if i'm not? what if deep down, i worry? maybe i have more feelings than you would know what to do with if you were in my shoes; more emotions than just love and happiness. or maybe they're all i'm capable of. i might be wishing at this very moment that i were someone else, someone more beautiful and fun, just to get your attention. or maybe i'm truly happy with who i am and i just want you to see me differently? i don't necessarily like the way you judge me; no matter what you've heard, you don't know if i'm a bitch or not til we've really met and talked. i promise i'm a nice person. or maybe the rumors are true; that i'm full of shit and it flies out of my mouth nonstop. you don't know that yet. honestly, if you push me, i can be the biggest bitch you will ever meet. maybe it's because i think i'm too good for you. or maybe it's because i know i'm not and i want to prevent you from putting me down, because i'm so vulnerable to it. deep down i'm really insecure. i know who i am, yes, but i don't want you to find out. or maybe i'm in love with myself and i don't care if you are or not. but are you? ask yourself that before you make me think so; i just might want you to be a part of my life. i hope that's not too much to ask; i hope i'm good enough for you. or i could be thinking that i am too good for you. and just so you know, i might push you away for my own good- i want to see if you love me enough to come back, and i will especially do this when i need you the most. because maybe i've been hurt before, and i put walls up just to see if you will break them down. you think you'd be there for me. but when i need you the most, you might not know it, but a good friend would. if you're not up to that, don't try to become a part of my life. you just might hurt me. do you even know what it takes to make my day? maybe i'm the kind of girl where a genuine "I Love You," a long hug, or a sincere compliment will do the trick. other times it will take more- all of the affection you have to give me. i hope i'm worth it to you; because i need that from you, know that i'd be yours in a second. do you know that i'd do anything for you? would i? maybe i'm hard to read; acting like i love you doesn't necessarily mean i do. but if you take time to figure that out, most likely, you're one of the few i take strongly. and don't you know it, when i really like someone, i get attached to them very easily. maybe you're one of the people i need the most. i might think about you nonstop, or losing you could be my biggest fear. you might not realize how i only light up when i'm around you, the look in my eyes when you talk to me, or the way i collapse into you when you give me a hug. i could be waiting for a phone call, or an IM from you constantly, or a sincere "I Love You". but maybe i hope we grow apart- regardless of how much fun we have had together, i need to move on from you. because maybe you cause me constant pain that the bad times outweigh the good ones. maybe i'm afraid to approach you, despite all the fun we have together when you finally talk to me. you can choose to love me, hate me, despise the very thought of me, whatever. i wish i could say that i don't care, but for some people, i do. especially you. the truth is, all other things aside, i'm longing to be yours forever or at least mean something to you right now and you don't see it. no matter what happens, who i grow up to be, or what you end up doing is completely irrelevant- our past has made me so emotionally attached to you that the thought of living without you is impossible to bear. and honestly, that's all you need to know.

how could you forget to say those three simple words to me? did you do it on purpose? why? something i should know about? tell me then. and to think all you could say was "oops"?? ouch. do you know how painful that is? to not hear those words after i said it... maybe it's me... i got so hurt i cried, no, i sobbed. whot's going on? i froze on my bed, thinking. did he forget to say "i love you" that easily? that fast? im just super confused right now. :'(

i knew it... he likes her, and she likes him... again! why else would they keep on seeing each other? i hate it. stealer.

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived; Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all the others, including Love. One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help. Just then, Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, "Richness, can I come with you on your boat?" Richness answered, "I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you." Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing by in a beautiful vessel. Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please." "I can't help you," Vanity said, "You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat." Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, "Sadness, please let me go with you." Sadness answered, "Love, I'm so sorry, but I just need to be alone now." Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, "Happiness, please take me with you." But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him. Love began to cry. Then she heard a voice say, "Come, Love, I will take you with me." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived on land, the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder. Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked. Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding just how great love is."

wow, i found an essay paper that i wrote for the school's newspaper in my old school haha here it is! ahem, don't laugh, i was oh so young when i wrote it! lol

"you're still my best friend!"

Why do i have to cry for something i know i can no longer hold on to? This is the question that boggles my mind. i always feel like crying whenever i get the chance to remember the moments my friend and i used to share. I know i should just accept the sad truth that things will never go back to normal between the two of us, but it hurts me! It's just so hard to let go of something that was such a big part of my life. People say i should simply value the time im spending apart from my friend so that i can discover myself again- but this is just too painful for me to do. Now, i ask myself, "what went wrong between the two of us?" it happened just about this week. We then grew to be very good friends, but eventually we got into a misunderstanding. I've started to feel empty since then. I've accepted my mistakes and have tried to apologize every chance i got, but it's just too tough to win back his friendship. Though he's no longer interested to be my friend, i still want to fix our situation. i know i must start to say "goodbye", but it will cost me countless tears before i recover. I'm being silly, and that i probably don't deserve to have a good friend like him, but it's difficult to pretend that im not affected, which indeed i am. They say if you truly treasure someone as a friend, it doesn't matter how much he or she has failed you. The important thing is that you still trust and accept that someone as a friend, no matter what! The trust and acceptance he had for me is no longer there and i really can't blame him if that is the way he wants it to be. But our memories that we onced share will remain alive in me and i will treasure them forever. Eventually, i know that when we leave behind the conflict, we'll both be all right in the end. After all, each of us have our own lives to lead. And after thousand failed attempts to become his friend again, i realize that it's good for him to live his life and welcome more aquaintances. It's painful for me to bear this, but i have to respect this decision and let him be free! I know our friendship didn't last or work the way i wanted it to be, but im glad our paths once crossed each other. Because without the hurt that he has given me, i may not have this deep sense of having learned something from him. I know i can no longer look for another person exactly like him, and also, i know that it is unlikely for him to return to me. But im still hoping, even if it takes forever.


please do not laugh! it looks... "blech" haha when i think about it now, this essay seems so imature, haha... and i forgot about my guy friend... it's certainly been awhile since i last heard from him... which was... hmmm... if im not mistaken, 4 years. tsk tsk.. you know, i forgot why we fought come to think about it haha. oh well. hope you enjoyed reading this!

i have a very bad habbit now... wanna know what it is? i'll tell you. it's crying myself to sleep every night since last week. it's not because of him, well part of it is, but im not blaming him though. ever since we had serious fights, fights like those stupid, petty fights we had like when we were starting out, but the kind that can ruin your relationship, you get me? and the one's that leave you both not talking to each other til like the next day, or maybe til the day after that, and if it's really that bad, the next week, i've been crying my heart out every night. i cry for him, i cry for our problems, i just cry. cry for fear of losing someone like him, fear that things will end up badly and one of us would get hurt... etc. at least my tears are for someone very special, and not just over some guy who doesn't care enough to say goodbye to me the day he's leaving, neither tell you when he's gonna leave for spain. ok, now that's a different story. i heard somewhere, or i think someone told me this, or whichever, that you gotta look for the guy who makes every tear, every heartache, every pain you feel cos of that person, worthwhile, and i found him. i mean you don't HAVE to look, but whatever. and really, i did. no doubt about it. i know that it's really early to be saying that, but who the hell cares? it's me who feels that it is, not them. no one can say that im wrong, because how can i be wrong when i feel it? i've been feeling that feeling, although i can't say what it is, duh, because you just feel it, you just know. anyway, i've been feeling that feeling ever since i chose him. at first it was a bit fuzzy and unclear, but then when things came around, that's when things began to unfold for me, making things just a bit more clear for me to understand just what it is i see in him. and that's why almost all my tears are for him. i don't just cry cos he hurt me or the fact that were fighting, i cry because im happy with him, and i still am, i cry because i miss him, i cry because he chose me, not that he had much of a choice, but, yah. so crying for him can't be all about bad stuff you know. i cry at night cos that's when i remember everything. and i mean everything that's happened between us, since then and until now. it just comes to me, like i just can't control it. it's where i can let everything out, because i just lie there, on my side, on my bed, then suddenly, the next thing i know, im crying. the tears begin to roll down, and by the time i realize this, i try to stop it, try to be strong, but then it's too late, and once i let the first tear drop, it just keeps on coming. and then im aware that im crying. it's like they know if im going to think of a thought, then before i actually think of it, the tears are there first. the thinking comes afterward. weird, i know. well thats me for you. i know crying can be unhealthy, especially if it's every day, but come on, this is how people let everything out. although they don't admit that, they probably cry secretly... or maybe they don't have to cry to get things out, they could also write poems, blog, write on their journals/diary, listen to music... oh wait, that's what i do. oh well. but who knows? they might be doing the same thing. and i say, im not afraid to cry. im not afraid to let them know that i do. maybe crying isn't something to be proud of doing, because then you have the term, "cry baby", well, i guess that's another thing. this is different. i cry for problems... and etc. but still, crying is crying. oh well.

as i sit here, at this very moment, i have to say that i do not know what to tell you. i do not know what to say first. i do not know how i feel. so many thoughts are running through my head and i don't know how on earth i'd be able to get them out so you could read it. and yes, if you're wondering if something happened, then yes is my answer. i cannot lie. something did happen. my thoughts and feelings seem to have been haunting me since the 9th of april. haunting me cos i keep replaying those words i dread hearing, but i know will end up being said. but i didn't know they'd come so soon.

break up. break up. break up.

those words, although simple, are deadly. the virus that ruins even the strongest of relationships. so you've surv. ived some really shitty fights, but soon it will catch up to you both, somehow, and i guess it caught up to us last sunday, but that wasn't official yet, thank God. how could it have caught up with us? weren't we miles, and miles away from where we last fought? maybe its because i got tired and slowed down a bit that it somehow caught up? could be... damn im weak. all i wanted was this story, my story, to go on til its through. all i wanted was him and me waking up at the same bed we've been sharing for the past 49 years. going on 50 next month. 50th wedding anniversary. wow, weve made it that far already? *sigh* snap back to reality, im still 15 and not yet married. i just wanna wake up every morning to see his face beside mine, not some other guy... if i did, i'd get up every morning feeling oh so hopeless feeling like the love of my life is waking up with the wrong woman, when really, that girl should be me. i've fantasized myself waking up to see stephen by my side, wedding ring surrounding his left finger. but those, im afraid, are just selfish, childish fantasies. with this virus, it is almost impossible to get us well and strong again, just like we were back then when it was new, unless a miracle happens, or somebody up there who loves us so much to let us keep going. this "break up" could ruin our already planned future together, and i don't want that to happen. (oh God, im crying) i cry for him. for me. for us. i can't help it. the tears keep streaming down and there's nothing i can do to stop them from coming, because i keep giving in. i always give in. it's just too soon, 3 months is just not enough. i guess i can never have my happy ending. so what if it's still early? i always thought that this time stephen would give me that happy ending, maybe he still will. you know, i never had a relationship last for more than 3 months. maybe im cursed. maybe it's bad luck. maybe it's not meant to be. but i don't give up easily. if i see my partner giving up and thinking we should call it quits, that is where i get weak, for i can't do this on my own, maybe that's mostly the reason i never got to 4 months, or even more, with ANY guy... even if we intended to in the first place, it's just like that, and i want stephen to change all that to prove me wrong, then maybe this thing im thinking about wouldn't be my fault all my relationships couldn't last, or went down the drain. i am sorry, for my thoughts have gone almost everywhere, going to one thought to another, wishing i could all tell you how i feel, but this whole entry wouldn't be enough. and the tears keep falling, how do i stop them? some people make it seem so easy. this reminds me of a book, a novel actually, by Nicholas Sparks. i read it twice already and it still made me cry. what if my life was made into a novel? author of course, me? would people laugh? cry? be angry & sad? there's something to think about. would everyone like it? would they hate it? i don't really know. i have loads of stories that i have to share, maybe making a book is the right way to share it. "The Story of My Life". Nah, it's no Helen Keller. just me and my life is all i have to tell, and the story behind every tear that i shed, every smile put on my face, and every laugh that you heard. it will be all there. no lies, no secrets. you'll get to know everything and anything there is to know about me if i made that book. another thought coming. what if my pillows were able to tell other people just how many tear stains lay beneath the cotton, what would their reaction be? "ooh, a talking pillow!" no. seriously. what would it be? *sigh* my thoughts are all over the place. im sorry. i need someone to hug. i need my pillow and my teddy bear. i need the comforts of my room so i could let everything out and my room wouldn't do anything, much less say anything. i need my friends. i (still) need stephen. my time is up. 'nuff said. for now.

so yesterday was fun! haha yeah... cos i skated! with my bestfriend and boyfriend! and that was my first time, too, and i didn't fall either! so cool. and for once, he wasn't late. cos he had a ride with kheem (bestfriend) from palms and that's where they met, and... there, haha. anyway, i've been wanting forever to share this with you, but never ever got the time, so here it goes, and pen, don't get mad, im just sharing this haha, there's this guy i saw in one of pen's entry comments, and so i got curious and went to his blog, and i read his blog, well most of it, and i thought he was a good writer, and really! he is, i mean... "wow" so anyway, i decided to make a comment, and then, before i know it, were chattin! (in ym i mean) and these past few days have been a blast! nyehaha, we've been getting to know each other and stuff, and i found many things in common, like he likes pasta, lasagna, japanese food, sushi, katsudon! tempura, and oh so many more! and were like, "are you copying me?" haha but seriously, it's really nice to know you have so much in common with another person of the opposite sex, ya know? and he makes me laugh, like in ym we were chattin right? and he said something funny, or was that a typo, im not sure but anyway, it made me laugh my ass off! seriously i was laughing and holding my tummy so tight haha, that was so cool, i needed a good laugh anyway, and then we keep having conferences in ym cos i wanna hear him play the guitar and violin, and boy is he good! he played i wanna grow old with you, and i sang along, it was soo cool, and he's good at playing the violin too. hmm, what else, our conversations are awesome, so many things to talk about, and boy, when we meet, whenever that is, we have loads to do! like im gonna sing, he's gonna sing too, i'd bring him a homemade lasagna, made by me for him, and... darn should've wrote those things down, ahaha oh well... he's a nice guy, sweet even, but he says he's not, *sigh* am i the only one that thinks that? well, i guess so, haha, or maybe not, im not sure, but he is though, no doubt. and he has a cat, she's really adorable, and cute! i told him that he's lucky to have her... well anyway, he's really awesome, and i so like his name! haaay hehe... it's so... so.... something haha! (pen might get mad if i say it eh)

so there we go, just thought i'd share it with you guys:) sorry if i was boring the hell outta you! you didn't have to read you know haha well, gotta go! <3>

im going crazy here! this is shit really... yesterday pen went over to my house, not exactly my house but my village with some friends of his that i know. why? cos he wanted to see me and i wanted to see him too, since it summer and all and we don't normally see each other so yesterday was our chance to do so. so ok, i don't wanna type all the details here... all im gonna say is that i think i hurt him... im mad at myself cos i pushed him away from me when he wanted to do shit the other day, but i didn't wanna let myself do it cos his friends were there and pen looked sorta stressed and i guess i made him more stressed when i said i didn't want to do shit, but really, i did want... it just wasn't the right time and place to do that... especially the timing! i had my... yeah... it's so embarrassing to say it here, but i wanted you guys to know that im not making shit up cos i didn't wanna do anythin with him when i know people would do but it's really getting off topic so anyway.... and another thing why i didn't wanna was because his friends were mad at him for bringing them to my place and if we did shit then they'd be more mad at him... so i had to say no to prevent them from getting mad at pen even more.... but in the end pen got mad, im not sure if he got mad at me but nontheless he is mad... he kept txting me but i didn't reply to him cos i was soo mad at MYSELF to do so... i can't believe i hurt him!! you should've seen the expression on his face when i said "no" but truth be told i did want to... despite my ehem "visitor" (the girls know this) and i was just afraid he'd get into trouble with his friends if we did shit so i didn't want that to happen. so at the end everyone got mad and well... yesterday was bad... im sorry stephen... i didn't mean to... God im such an idiot! i can never forgive myself for allowing me to hurt him, sure he can hurt me, no prob, cos its me anyway but when it comes to stephen i never wanna hurt him... im just sorry i did... im still pissed at myself... anyway... he told me to check out his blog cos he wrote something on it, and i was right, he is mad at me.... i didn't have to read his blog to know that he is mad at me- i just know... and the comments... im a bitch now... did he have to go that far? the only person can call me a bitch is myself... so i am now a jealous, complaining, hurtful, bitch of a girlfriend... im surprised why he's still hanging around me... or why he still loves me when im like this... im so depressed... i need to do something... and if you're thinking about cutting... well you MAY be right... so... well im still depressed... oh and i wrote something for him, a poem to be precise, then he lost it... or maybe he got pissed at me that he "accidentally" lost it or something... anybody would do that when they're mad at their gf/bf... anyway here it is, i hope i still remember it... here it is:

I want to wake up each morning

To be looking into your eyes

For us to look out the window

And watch the sunrise

Your arms wrapped around me

From morning til night

Kissing and laughing

As you hold me tight

I'd look into your eyes

And just sit there and stare

Realizing this feeling

I'm getting is rare

The feeling that forever

You are unconditionally loved

The feeling that this person

Was sent from above

I will always be there for you

And love you with all my heart

I promise with everything

We will never be apart

I will love you and cherish you

For the rest of my life

Waiting for the day

I can become your wife

Always and forever

I will love you

Even after the day

I say *I do*

i have a tremendous problem... well no, not really, just a small problem i guess... in all my past relationships, not once have i been told that i was a PAIN in the neck to my guy, not once, well, until now... that sorta hurts to know that i am some sort of "pain" to the guy i love and who loves me back. it all started like yesterday when we were walking from school to my friends house to hang, it was blistering hot and i was soo not in the right attire, because we were wearing our school uniform, and the girls wear more layers of uniform than the guys, so hear me out, it was blistering hot and it was around 1p.m. and we were out there in the heat of the sun, and i was wearing my uniform, who wouldn't complain? if that was the case i would've taken off my fucking uniform! but im not stupid, so anyways, we were walking right? i told him it was freaking hot and i felt like i was gonna faint, we kept stopping to every shade we saw and i was wearing HEALS for crying out loud, tell me who wouldn't want to be in my place? but anyway, we kept going, now i was told that my friends house was NEAR to where our school was, but unfortunately it wasn't! it felt like forever til we finally got to his house, my neck and head was burning and i really needed water... do you know the feeling when your inside are like heating up? or that at the back of your neck is really hot? that's how i felt... anyway... of course i loved - yes LOVED - the ahem, "short" walking distance (wink) to his house cos it meant being with pen, but getting there was a biggy for me. #1 it was hot, #2 i was wearing my uniform with many layers, #3 i had heals... but i didn't want that to get to me cos i wanted to go over there in the first place... but unfortunately it did and that's where pen said in his blog (www.infallibleforgiveness.blogspot.com) that i was a pain in the neck:'( when i first read it, i thought, ok, no big, but when i read it again just to make sure, i started thinking that it wasn't ok that i was called "a pain in the neck" and the thing that annoys me, well not annoy, that's the wrong word... the thing that bothers me is that i never considered him as a PAIN in my neck and yet here he is telling other readers that i am... im embarassed of myself and at the same time a bit hurt... he could have told me to stop it and just wait a few more minutes til we got to my friends house, i would've heard the seriousness in his voice... but no... he just said i was a pain in his neck... and for once... i do not know what i should do... yeah... i don't know if i should write a poem... listen to depressing songs... whatever...

hey you guys! it's awfully been a looong time! im so sorry that it has taken me this long to write here... things has been happening and i couldn't find the time to type it all down here for you guys to see because i've been busy handling them... you know? gee... i hope you guys still read this blog... haha ok... here are the details... so ok, pen is now my bf and it's been 2 months and 13 days, but it's not all fun and laughter you know, some problems have been popping up, as if its doing that on purpose to break us up or something, hopefully not, anyways, like i said, problems.... like how he gets pissed at me for not spending time with him, but i really do, and, and... i don't know.. some other problems we've encountered but i cant really remember haha! but i guess were all good now:) but gosh, i think the problem that couples encounter now is time... we never have time to be with each other... maybe it's because of me... but you can't hang out all the time with a guy at my school.. if you only knew what happens... the teachers start noticing and then they might think you guys are together then they go tell the principal then... yah... it's just hard and im only preventing that from happening... he just has to understand that... anyway... i can't believe that were 2 months! i can't wait to pass 3... then 4... then 5... etc! i really love him, and fuck all those problems! that only makes our relationship stronger! well, it's almost summer... and that means ISC... and that means pen would be leaving me for a month... i kept crying myself to sleep cos of that for awhile cos i kept thinking about all those miles and miles that we'd be away from each other... 1 whole fucking month CANNOT compare to the 4 YEARS i'd be spending alone without him, cos by then he'd be in the States for college... i can't deal with him being so far away! no i can't... someone help me before i start to cry again.....

Wee! It's past Christmas and New Year's! Belated!! Another "good" year has passed and it's now January 4, 2006! Sorry you guys for not updating for so long... you see, I've been busy falling in love, "breaking" up and falling in love over again with the greatest man ever, (aside from my dad [wink] and God) as you all know, well, as some of you know, his name is ♥ Stephen Reyes ♥ and on Jan 2, 2006, at exactly 3:14 p.m., he asked me to be his girlfriend! For so long I've waited for him to make his move, and I know some of you have been endlessly encouraging me that I'm making the right decision of waiting for him, and you guys are right!=) Anyway, last tuesday was his move! And like I said, it was all worth it, that Stephen is worth waiting for and I knew I was right, ever since I told him I'd wait, and to convince myself to wait, I had to argue with, well, me, I know this sounds crazy, but I had to wait 5 years for Nathan right? Well my other side got scared that that will happen to me again but I reassured myself over and over again, that I'm making the right decision of waiting, and I'm right (as usual haha;) )

I'm soo happy! He asked me in a mall on some stairs, I thought, I mean I pictured him asking me in a better place with a speech or somethin, but whotever, he asked anyway=) hmmm... I don't know whot to say... (I want a British accent...) God, I love him so much... I really do... at least he asked me, unlike Angelo (aother story), he was just... nothing... he never asked me period. whot made him not ask me? I don't know and neither do I care cos I'm with Stephen now, nothing else matters anymore... at least I don't have to wait anymore haha :D Now my fear is breaking up :( I don't want that to ever happen, but I said that to my past err ex's and still we ended up breaking up, I said that to Angelo... well we weren't really "together" together, but whotever, I said this to Stephen... and... were gonna get married! bwahaha:) oh yeah, we talked about marriage last Tuesday, like where were gonna get married, like on some yacht, on a hill, in a Church, a garden... hmm that would be nice, then off to our honeymoon... haha! that reminds me, "your honey" i said, and then he replied, "your moon!" haha we were laughing so hard that time.

I think the thing that was missing in all of my past relationships wos whot me and Stephen have going on now... friendship:) I mean, I don't know I can't really explain this, but I guess we just don't love each other, were like the best of friends, and we bagan that way too, but I guess the others were just... about love, I mean whenever I go out with Stephen, were always laughing, making fun of each other, making jokes, but the other guys I've been, they look so serious about going out and stuff, like I said I can't explain, but it's there... and maybe it's chemistry too haha.

I don't know whot I'll do without him in my life. For sure I'll blame myself for losing him and for finding another guy after I lost him... nevermind about me being the last girl Nathan wos to share his life with, I want to be Stephen's last girl, it's he that I want to share my whole life with now and nobody else... I'll do anything and everything for this relationship to last until he asks me to marry him, it seems like a hard and probably tough task to do, but I'm willing to do it. See how much he means to me? See how special he is to me? I wouldn't be doing this if he wasn't. I think we can make it, I really do, I mean I've waited about 5 months right? Then doing this won't be a problem, and if we work together, both of us, I'll be saying "I do" to the same guy I said "yes" to in noo time... no matter the years, and even if he'd go away for college in the States, which is kinda sad, not to mention depressin:'(

*I promise that I will wait for him until he comes back and won't have ANY guy when he's gone, no I WON'T. I promise to stick with him, love him too, no matter the distance.*

I'm prepared for whot's to come, and missing him badly will take place, but I say again, it will be ALL worth it when he comes back and asks me to marry him :) hehe... this is super long, oh well :) til next time! belated Happy Christmas and Merry New Year!