"what's the one thing you want in the whole world?" my best friend rachelle said one night while we were talking nonsense on the phone, and i said, "haha you really wanna know? cos i wouldn't think you'd be interested, it's kinda pathetic and cheesy""oh come on! don't be a meany haha kiddin, but seriously, please tell me" she begged, "fine, you really wanna know eh? fine. . . i wanna be the guy i told you about as his gf. . ." i heard nothing but silence on the other end, after a few minutes, she said, "damn, that's really sweet of you. . ." and i said, "thanks, but seriously rache, he's all i ever want right now, he's the most gorgeous thing that ever walked the face of the earth, gosh i love him so much, and if i told you how much i did, damn it just wouldn't be enough. . ." silence again, this is getting weird, i thought, but just when i was about to speak, she said, "you have got to be the most wonderful poet i've ever come to know, you're like the shaksepear of modern days, but wait a minute, that tone on your voice, what's up? something is definitely bothering you, tell me" wow, what a bestfriend, she knows when something is wrong, i love rache, and i said, "huh? nothing is wrong, haha why'd you think that?" "oh come on geri, there was something in your voice that told me something was wrong. . ." see what i mean? she's an a n g e l, i finally gave in and told her, "well you see, it's about the guy, he's just not ready to have a relationship yet, and that's what scares me, that i won't be able to have him and call him my own", "aww, don't worry geri, and please don't give up either, it's not like you to do that, i know you, and you go after what you want no matter how hard it may be, but please, don't make yourself wait 5 years. . . you know what i'm talking about", i sighed "yeah i do, but he's so worth the wait rache, he really is. . . he really is something. . . i love him"

all my life i thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. . . well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. the person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves wholeheartedly.

and the person who loves wholeheartedly, feels free.

this is why, regardless of what i may experience, do or learn, nothing makes sense. i hope this time passes quickly, so that i can resume the search for myself- in the form of a man who understands me and does not make me suffer. . .

but what the hell am i saying? in love, no one can harm anyone else; we are, each of us, responsible of our own feelings and cannot blame others for what we feel. it hurt when i lost each of those various men i truly fell in love with, now, though i am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.

this is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without having to own it. . .

eternity seems so long now, without you by my side. how humans entire lives are filled with all this pain, darkness, lonliness. i shudder to think of an eternity, condemned and unforgiven by you. millenia, just a few decades ago would feel like grains of sand in an hourglass. millenia, would feel as if drops of rain on my face trailing behind my non-existant tears. now, my endless journey on this forsaken land of redeeming weekness is as futile as my hope that. . . you will breathe again. i press my fist to my mouth. teeth biting into cold icy skin. i feel the urge to scream abate. . . i close my eyes to blind myself of blurry vision and. . . the sight of your gorgeous body, never to rise again. Heaven and Hell knows how to choose their punishments, choosing the one that would hurt me the most. you warned me, told me of my future. . . what a joke, i have no future now. no more you, you no more= an unending life without you. i guess you warned me, but you didn't tell me that it would hurt so much! so, i grasp at crisp white sheets. my knuckles white with how tight i hold you as if i could save you from this undeniable destiny. i think you might say that i'm too late, that i've seen you fall, and that i saw the rest of eternity. a black light, a doomed world, condemned souls, lost lives, and in the center of it all? an empty heart. i will bring an armageddon just to rid myself of this cursed infinity with its endless loops and this non-life. . . without you

Life is a big ball of pain. everything you go through is paralleled with pain. every love will whither away, every friendship break, every smile droop. but, life isn't about the pain. life isn't perfect, no where near it. it's simply composed of moments of perfection. moments of pure bliss and love and pleasure. yes it will hurt but it will make the happiness that much richer. life is not measured by the breaths we take, but the moments that take your breath away. the first kisses, the first loves, the laughs, the smiles, the hugs, the songs that take you back to a place where everything was perfect, the photos that touch something deep inside of you. the drawings of loved ones that hang on your wall that bring a tear to your eye now, but eventually will be a smile and memory. life is about living for the nights you won't remember, with the people you NEVER forget. that epiphany makes life a little easier to cope with.

who was i trying to fool? i've never had a "true" happy ending, and i've always known that so why do i think that could change? i thought that when he finally said "I Love You" that would eventually lead to my "happy ending", i was already happy when he said those three small words, i didn't need anymore than that, i didn't ask for a relationship, no, cos im not ready to give everything yet. . . but then when he gave me a letter today, that changed everything. here's what it said (well not ALL of it. . .) ". . . i don't know any other way to put all this sept by saying it straight off. I STILL LOVE A*E*. i love her as much as i love you. . . you're still one of my BESTIST friends & i don't want that to change. . ." i don't need to say anything further. . . everything is there in that small part. he just doesn't get it, how much it hurts me to be called his friend, even a bestfriend. . . i thought something was there, really i did, and i still believe that there is still a chance for both of our "happy ending" to come true. i hope im not being selfish when i say "i want him" but i know i have to respect his feelings and his decisions above my very own. . . when i came home from school today, i went straight to the comforts of my room and laid on my bed, despite me wearing my school uniform, and broke down in tears. . . all the things i've felt that day but couldn't let it out, went to the covers of my pillow. i drowned my pillow with my tears, but i didn't mean to. . . i cried for 2 and a half hours, listening to emotional music, and cried again. . . this is probably the worst break downs i've ever had, and this is no one's fault except my own. . . if i listened to my head rather than my heart, this wouldn't happen, but i know that i just couldn't do it, i always end up listening to my heart, because for some reason, it's probably right this time. . . he calls me his best friend, and silently, i weep inside. if ever you're asking if i still love and care for him, yes i do. . . no matter how much it hurts to be his best friend, although it's a good thing, i'll still go on living my life as it was meant to be, and still love him. . . kinda pathetic don't you think? well shut up. . . if one time he finds himself knowing nobody cares for him, although i doubt that would happen, i hope he knows that i still do, always and forever, and hope he knows that that will never change, even if time will bring me someone new, God knows that i will always love and care for him, but in that way, not like a "friend" love and care thing. if i have to wait, so be it, im a patient person. . . if i have to wait almost a lifetime for me to have that chance, so be it i say. because til time runs out, i'll still be here. . . holding on to whatever i've got left. . . and God knows how happy i will be when i finally get that chance, i myself don't know, but you'll probably notice that i am, for one, i'll smile a lot, cry less, and probably my smile will be as "beautiful" as ever. and gosh, if ever he gives me that hug, you will know that i have found heaven, in his arms. all my dreams and wishes were, and still are, for him, but snap back to reality, they probably won't come true, no matter how much i want them to. but until that day comes, i'll still care, i'll still love, and i'll still be his best friend. . . never knowing how much that hurts me.


The Pain of Love

Eyes are made for seeing,
I have seen you.
Lips are made for kissing,
I WANT TO KISS YOU!

Nose is made for smelling,
And hands are made to touch.
Secrets are made for telling,
I WANT YOU TOO MUCH!

Chances are made for taking,
I probably took one on you.
Hearts are made for breaking,
AND YOU BROKE MINE TOO!


When are we going to be together?
Will you love me now or will it take forever?
I love you always with all my heart
Be with you and never part
With this poem, i have one thing in mind
You just have to read the first word of each line. . .


take care you guys. . . always

I had reached a point in my life where i felt that "true love" was a thing of the past for me. There were nice people, it's true, but no more magic, no more being swept of my feet. And right when i was about to close the door on that chapter of my life, HE walked in. . . and everything changed. Suddenly, i found myself smiling almost all the time, and the more i learned about him, the more astounded i felt at just how perfect he is for me. there was no escaping the fact that what was happening between us was meant to be. and now, every time he gives me that warm smile, his oh so sweet touch, i realize that life saved the very best. . . for last. you know when i was a child, my thoughts were filled with wonderful things. . . like ice cream. . . merry-go-rounds. . . rainbows. . . everything that excites a child. now that im much grown up, i still think of wonderful things. but this time, the image is him. it's he that excites me now. you don't know the pleasures i get from just thinking of him are not unlike those i had as a child. i smile to myself when i think of his warm hugs. . . his touch. . . his smile. . . the looks he gives me. they're like with me all the time. . . just as i hope he will always be. damn. . . he's got me going crazy. . . all i can think about lately is, well, him! aah! well, i guess that is normal. . . right? gee i hope so.


If this is a game, then i don't want to play.
This means so much to me and you're so far away.
But i shall wait for you.
We can see this through.
Now it's up to you.
Please tell me, if you feel the same way too.

A simple touch, the look in your eye, the sound of your voice.
They do something to me i've never felt but i don't ever want to leave.
Looks like it's happened to me once again.
Things are over before they started, another goodbye,
Unless you want to. . . try, and i'll promise you i'll try.

A warm embrace;
it's beem a while since i've seen your oh so adorable face.
If you would let me, i don't think i'd ever leave this place.
Every shared night just feels so right
When i wake up with you in my arms, staring into my eyes.

Tell me you'll be waiting.

wow... soo many comments on my last post, haha im not complainin, it is really flattering to know that people do read what you have to right down, or blog, or that they do care for you, even thought they don't know you, or vice-versa... the sad part is... they're all ANONYMOUS!!! waaah! why can't they not put anonymous... haha well, i do know some of their names, like jenna! yehey! she calls me *sweetie* which is totally awesome! and... ken? haha yeah. they say it's interesting... well, thanks! haha... today, i don't have any problems... so far it's all good... today was great despite the rain and shit... hmm... but even though i didn't have a prob at all? i was feeling down... why? *sigh* because *he* wasn't there... i did see him at school today, but he had to leave early in the morning, like around 8, to record something... what a bummer... i felt so incomplete without him... but not to worry, i said, because before he left, he gave me a smile! aww... yeah, so it was on my mind the whole day! they came back at around 2 in the afternoon, so i only got to spend time with him during training... *sigh* oh hey, i just remembred something, this is a quiz that i made, wanna take it? i know you don't know me and stuff, but it's just for fun:) http://www.dazzigurl88.friendtest.com well, there you go... it fun really, ahaha so anyway... pretty much was like that the whole day... hey, i made another poem, well if that's what you wanna call it... enjoy! <3


I know some things are better left unsaid
Yet i have to tell you what's been
Running through my head

I don't know if what i am feeling is
Wrong or right
But you stay on my mind,
baby both day and night

I'm not going to say that im probably
in love with you
But for you i have feelings
That i know are true

I love being with you everyday
It makes me want you
more and more in every way

I could just sit and watch you for days
You've gotten me wrapped up
In your mesmerizing ways

I love seeing your big, charming smile
That makes everything
In my life worthwhile

I want to feel your arms wrapped
around me so tight
Just the way i dream every night

I want to be with you as more than
just friends
But i guess that's where my fantasy
ends

If only you'd give us a chance you'd
see
Just how great together we would be

But until that day comes to par
I'll keep admiring you from afar.

hope you loved it! <3

hey guys, here i am (again). . . i've got another problem, *sigh* should i wait for him? i mean really. . . should i? im not sure, im starting to think about what i said. . . that i'll wait for him, i really do, it's how long the wait, is what im afraid of. . . he says he "loves" me, and to me it's kinda unfair, cos he says it like as a friendly love, but when i say it, it does mean something. . . dammit! why does everything have to be so damn complicated?! im blaming nobody but myself for letting this happen, why can't i understand that what im doing is only hurting myself? oh and were meeting this saturday to watch a movie and stuff. . . were gonna make out! >:) LMAO! well. . . back to the prob. . . people ask me what i see in him, and fuck, i say "all the things that you can't" which is true really, he is amazing, he is sometimes sweet, but like at times when he wants to be? yeah something like that, and i don't know, there is something else, i just can't seem to figure it out, but damn, when i look at him, it's like i DO effin see it, that it's right in front of him, haha "i had to fall to finally see, that he was right in front of me" i just wanted to say that, so off topic but so what? anyway, where was i? oh yeah, i just wish that there will come a time that he'll realize what he's missing, but you see, im still here, now and forever, im not going anywhere, never will, this situation reminds me of some romantic book i read, EXACTLY like it, but in the end, they both ended up together, will that be my happy ending as well? will that happen to me? im not afraid of happy endings, hell no! but im afraid that my life won't work that way. . . *sigh* yeah that's all i can give for now. . . here are some >stuff<>


Now and Forever

My love for you will never end
It runs much deeper than just a friend
I long to feel your warm embrace
And to see a smile upon your face

A love so strong, a love so true
A love that i could only have for you
This heart that could never be broken
Is now, to you, laid wide open

It was a door with no key to be found
But like a true friend, you've stuck around
You unlocked that door that hid my love
You're like a gift from up above

So for now and forever, i vow to be true
There is no one io could love like you
So for now and forever, and then a bit more
This love we share is what i'll long for

for Now and Forever, till death do us part
for Now and Forever, you'll stay in my heart

<3

Blessing or Curse

Some would say a blessing,
Some would say a curse
Cupid in all his glory
Or the devil at his worst

Call it what you want
Think of it what you will
Make it a great nightmare
Or a stimulating thrill

So take the plunge
And see how it feels
Is it your blessing or curse
To fall head over heals

Will there be tears of heartache
Or tears resulting from joy
How will it make you feel
To fall in love with a boy

Will he be your blessing
Will he be your curse
Is he going to be the last
Or of many just the first

<3

I've spent a lifetime of wondering with my head on the ground,
Never knowing that you were nearest when i was feeling down,
Lost in a feeling that i try to understand,
When all i really needed was for you to take my hand.
Down the pages of my history echoed the ghost of long ago,
I understood it was something that i should really know,
It came to me and i think i should really know,
That all i really needed was for you to take my hand.
Through a thousand timeless shores, i could see you standing there,
I know i had to stop and think, for you i gently care,
But by then i was young to want to understand,
That all i really needed was for you to take my hand.

<3

We spoke of petty things, avoiding the uncomfortable truth, shielding our eyes from the penetrable light. i wish i had taken my eyes off myself long enough to memorize your face that night i was lost in my insecurities becoming one of the "birds and the bees". the stars shone bright, unheeded up above, i wish i had told you that you're the one i love. that night could have been beautiful, yet i was fretting about the rules. i was afraid that if i were to stop my jabbering, i might do the most uncomfortable thing. . . And Kiss You. i wish i hadn't been so afraid. afraid of what i might say or do. the Truth is I think I Love You.

hope you enjoyed them! <3

Now that i think about it... i probably won't ever get that chance with *him* it's kinda obvious... you know, sometimes i think he doesn't like me, like he had to do this bet or something to get me to like him, but i don't know, but i hope not, but anyway, do you think he's leading me on? nah... i hope not... but he keeps saying stuff that make me wanna be with him more, like our imaginations if we were together, or how about if we went out, like were gonna kiss and stuff, i mean i don't want us to stop planning the *future* if EVER we end up together, but why still do it? maybe because it sweet? i have no idea, but i never want it to stop, this person who commented on my other post said that i should realize that now is probably not the time to be together... and that he knows it and perhaps he wants me to realize this... but i don't want to... that's the prob right there... i know i have feelings for him, i do, because i can feel it, but i guess i have to respect his feelings too and probably his decision... but you know it hard. i mean im practicaly waiting for him, when really he's the one suppose to be the one waiting. *sigh* im a patient person... i can wait... just for him. him and ONLY him.


take care you guys! <3

so ok... today went i think... great... yeah it did! for once? things almost went my way... omfg! he gave me a bracelet!! aww it was like so sweet of him! gee, i hope he's not reading this haha! hmm, despite the fact that i see the one i used to love like everyday... i don't know, it's like i couldn't look at him and not be hurt by him... you get me? damn, he gave me so much pain and whenever i look at him... it's like i get hurt again... yeah so what if i still look at him? anyway... somethings wrong with this one person in this other class... it's like all of a sudden, this person totally ignores me! like wtf?! this person ignores all my text messages, does not say hi to me anymore, and whenever i do try and talk to that person, ask him why that person is ignoring me, it's like the person doesn't want to talk to me! like no interest whatsoever to talk to me! grrr... i don't know what happened, but im thinking that someone told that person something bad or wrong bout me that made that person ignore me... hmmm well anyway... im bored...


remember what i said at the last post? that we shall wait and see what will happen if i said i didn't want to fall in love just to get hurt always in the end thing? well... i think i am now... but i swear im not doing that on purpose... no... i don't know why... but yeah... im falling for this guy at school, well, he's my best friend actually, so yeah... im really crazy about him! he doesn't know how much he's got it bad! but my problem is... i don't think were at the same level, i mean he did say he likes me, but that's it... im falling for him and all he could say was that "i like you" blah blah blah.... he said, too, that he does want me to be his (i think thats what he said) but... just not now? yeah something like that... i don't know how long i'll be able to keep up with the things im doing! sometimes i just hate myself... i did tell him that i'll wait for that time when he will fall for me... now the question that boggles my mind is... how long shall i wait? even if it does take that long, it's worth the wait for me, because i'd rather let myself wait, than give him up... cos truly, he is important to me, REALLY important... and if i told him that like everyday? it just probably wouldn't be enough... i mean, everytime, well not really everytime, but most of the time he looks at me, i turn away cos i don't want him to know what his gaze does to me. everytime i see him, gosh, i can't explain how happy i am, i get butterflies in my stomach, and omg, i even catch myself smiling just because his NAME just happen to cross my mind! call me crazy, call me pathetic, anything! i just can't help it! he's got me going crazy! urrrgh! if only he'd see things the way i see things... *sigh*

today was rather fucked... why?... because first of all... the one that i loved CHEATED on me since the last 28th... and he's calling me a flirt? and practically all his friends (im not going to name, names) think im a flirt... let's get one thing straight fuckers, IM NOT A FLIRT!! i dont know HOW to effin flirt! all i do is talk to people and be friendly... if they think talking to people is "flirting" i shan't talk! happy?! anyway... yeah he got a new gf and only told me today... when she went to our school... he told me not to cry, but i ended up in the girls bathroom crying all over and never got to eat my lunch, and on top of that, i threw up (again) im still under medication, so yeah, i hate the fact that she has my world now, i just hope she will get to feel the things i felt when he was mine back then, i want her to feel the things i never got the chance to feel... no, we weren't "on" but we were in love... and since that last 28th, which was by the way, our 3rd ever monthsary, they were together! he kept this from me ever since! and honestly, yeah it does hurt. but you know what hurts more? is the fact that he blamed me for cheating on him with another guy too, which wasn't true! but there is always a bright side, wait... did i say always? ha! not always... gosh, i dont know what to do... he was my whole world and i did care for him so much, if he only understood... but i guess now is too late... really too late... i loved him, and i tried my best to make him feel my love, even though our fucking school has a 6-inch rule... now this new girl gets to give him love and feel his love in return... *sigh*

when is my turn? it funny really, the last time i broke things off with my "ex", i said i never want to have to fall in love just to get hurt always in the end... then he came bursting into my life and everything changed, i forgot what i had said, and i found myself falling for him... and turns out he did too... he promised me that he will never hurt me, oh, same old line, i guess he was bluffing that time, cos he did hurt me, not once, twice.... but three times, i should have known that when people do say they won't hurt you, they probably will at the end, no matter how many promises they make, somehow, someway, you will eventually get hurt... that's what i think, and i want somebody to prove me wrong... so yeah, i wonder what will happen if i say the same thing over again? "i don't wanna fall in love just to get hurt always in the end" will something happen? we'll see...


gotta go... take care all you guys! <3

someday i am going to leave here, and i am not going to look back. . . i won't look at the mistakes, or the pain and the tears, or that one night we spent together that seemed like if we held on, it could last an eternity. . . i am not going to look back. i hope to look forward to new friendships and less crying, more love, and more trying. . . i am not going to look back. . . for anything about you.

and I Loved You with all my heart. i fought for you, i treasured you. . . i went to hell and back for you. . . and i am still sitting here, lonely and afraid. . . without the only one that ever mattered.

i wouldn't know what to call these past few months other than a beautiful existence. it was highlighted by you, and given to me, it was shined on by many, and loved by a few. . . and here i am, waiting for any kind of a second beginning that in the end. . . would give me you...

You asked me how I continue to look so happy. . .
And all I had to answer was you. . .
But you left a long, long time ago. . .
And so it seems we're through.

You gave me a part of myself that I never knew I had. . . You showed me a place inside myself that I never even would have guessed existed. I spent years trying to find what you did. Years! And you found it in a matter of minutes. And now, I ask, why can't you see how much you are breaking my heart.

I am sitting here, a world apart from the place you are. I have a broken heart, and tears sliding endlessly down my cheeks. You smile and you laugh and you pretend "we" never existed, but we both know what I meant to you. . . almost as much as you meant to me. . .