i was pretty much alone today. kheem arrived safely in the states, and thus begins the rest of the week, and the next, without her. i know what you're thinking, "where are your other friends??" well, yes, i do have (other) friends, but none quite the same as kheem of course... you see it's just the two of us that normally hangs out, well fine, sometimes 3, maybe 4, but most of the time it's just the two of us. it's not like i haven't been trying to have fun, and it's not like im being lonely on purpose, or ignoring people-no, i have been having fun, but not as much as i do when kheem is around, and like i said, it's not the same:( all i could do was... nothing, i just had to accept that fact that she's happy wherever she is in the states, and well, im just lonely in school. he wasn't with me either... where was he?? grrr... he was with her instead, he didn't even bother to follow me after i left... guess i wasn't important (to him) today as she was to him... i just sat there in the spot where kheem and me almost always hang out, hoping that he'd come around to be with me, but no, i just found myself sitting there alone, for another oh so, 15 minutes? yes, sitting there watching happy people pass me by, groups of friends laughing, things kheem and me would do, but i can't do it by myself now can i? cos i'd look extremely weird laughing by myself or talking to myself... hmm come to think of it, we mostly get compared to a lot, because like people in school always see us hanging out together, just us two, but the others, they hang out in groups, so we kinda stand out? blah... i have nothing more to say... and NO im not mad...

hello. . . wtf? so ok. . . yesterday, my best friend, aka, kheem, left for the States, it was so sad to see her go, the last message i got was when she was boarding, i wish i kept it, but this is what i remembered: "boarding na='( waaa! im going to miss you sobra! work hard sa studies mo ha?? sana mag honor roll ka. mwah take care." then i replied as fast as i could, hoping she'd receive my message before it was too late, and i said "='( im going to miss you too sobra! i'll try and make it to the honor roll, for you. . . ok, ingat, enojoy your vacation. . . luvyew bff=] i'll always be with you, through the rex cd's" i started to cry then, and before i knew it, it was pouring hard! then i instantly prayed to God to giude their flight, and make it to the other side ok. . . i miss her. . . if only she knew. . . im gonna be lonely for the rest of the week w/o her, although i have pen, padua, and uh maybe chris. . . it won't be the same. . . speaking of pen. . . i changed my mind, i mean about waiting, i will still, but im not gonna hurt while doing so, it's easy now that i've thought about it, im not gonna let a few more years get in the way. . . if i have to wait i will and i shall. . . and. . . im not going to complain. . . yeah, ive been complaining. . . but now i won't, i love him and will wait. . . just to make that clear hehe. . . evryone'e leaving. . . well not now. . . probably soon. . . why?? it just sad, the ones i love will leave me and go elsewhere, just leave me behind. . . pen will leave me soon. . . when he goes away for college in the. . . states. . . i hate it, and i have to live with it. . . the sad truth, i cried on my bed when he told me through text. . . he's gonna leave me behind, i won't be able to see him again, that's what i thought on my bed. . . dear Lord why?? well, he said that he'd come back every year. . . but it's not enough! waaah='( he also said he needs to think about his future and that he cares about it, and well, maybe i should let him go for those few years in the states, and if i do end up going to college here, i won't let ANY man in my life, cos i wanna be with pen, and only him, and if i go there in the states for college, were gonna get an apartment and live together! God that would be sweet, aww he could take care of me, and vice versa. . . i WISH that would happen, then i wouldn't have to worry if he's gonna fall for another girl, that's scary. . .



>>> pen, just so you know,which you already do, i love you, i always will.<3

it's been forever since i last posted. . . to the people who always comment: im so sorry!! a LOT has been happening and i guess i forgot to put them here. . . well to start off. . . im still mad at my guy friend for some reason i don't wanna share. . . and. . . dammit i forgot. . . anyways, it's been 2-3 months now, and still the guy that i love so much hasn't asked me to be his gf yet:'( wouldn't you think that if he did ask me to be his gf before, wouldn't we have lasted until now? like i said, it's been 2-3 months, even more if i remember correctly, i think we could've lasted, you know? but here i am waiting patiently for the guy i love. . . i've had my experience of waiting for those i love, so this is not the first time i've done it, believe me when i say that i've waited 5 years for the guy that i loved before, i ddin't act like waiting for him then wasn't hurting me, it was to be honest, but i guess it was worth it. . . so when the time came when he found out he did have feelings for me, and asked me to be his gf, i said that he was just 5 years too late, of course i was happy, and i wanted to answer him more than you could imagine, and i woulda, if it wasn't for the fact that i no longer felf anything for him, anymore, i just don't want to end up like that again, but i guess we'll wait and see. i mean think about it, i know i have, a girl waiting for a guy?? shouldn't it be the other way around?? well, dear readers, so to say, yes it may be a bit awkward, maybe even wrong, for a girl to wait for a guy, you see, it doesn't really matter if you're a guy waiting for a girl, or vice versa, but really, the fact that you love him/her enough to even wait! and that's what i'm doing, even it takes a long time, but i swear, right here and now, that no matter how long i shall wait, time could never ever take away the love that i have for him, yes, you guys are my witnesses to what i just said. . . anyways, i'm quite not sure why he doesn't want a relationship yet. . . maybe it's me? i hate to think so, but it could be possible, but i'll log that thought away, you know? he said one time to me that if we get into a relationship, we would have to break up and stuff, but if we weren't, but you know, we still loved each other, we wouldn't have to break up, he does have a point, but you know? i can't tell my friends that he is mine, well technically he is, but not yet permanent, you get me? i want him to call him mine so badly, i can tell other girls to back off cos he's MY man, but i can't, and do you know how sweet it is for me when he talks to me about his friends, and like whenever i see him with his friends, he would turn around to his friends, point and would say, "she's my girl. . ." stuff like that. . . but no. i don't know exactly what status we are in, were not "in a relationship" were not "married" but what are we then? are we lovers? are we dating?? although we have been going out a few times. . . i just don't know. . . but i now am aware of this: i guess love doesn't always mean having a boyfriend. . . but knowing that the one you love is always there for you, even though you're not together. that makes sense a lot. . . and knowing that he's not yet "ready" for a relationship, i know he's always there for me, and i know what i have to do, i have to respect his feelings and decisions and put his feelings before my own, and care and treat his feelings like i do my own. . .


. . . i wonder how long i'll have to wait. . .

In the attics of my life
Full of cloudy dreams unreal
Full of tastes no tongue can know
And lights no eye can see
When there was no ear to hear
You sang to me

I have spent my life
Seeking all that's still unsung
Bent my ear to hear the tune
And closed my eyes to see
When there were no strings to play
You played to me

In the book of love's own dreams
Where all the print is blood
Where all the pages are my days
And all my lights grow old
When I had no wings to fly
You flew to me
You flew to me

In the secret space of dreams
Where I dream lay amazed
When the secrets all are told
And the petals all unfold
When there was no dream of mine
You dreamed of me

<3


comments greatly appreciated! thanks:)

i want a boy that will stay with me for always. he'll know you can never say i love you too many times but he knows not to say it if he doesn't mean it with all his heart. he'll tell me we're like Corey and Topanga. he'll give me his favorite sweatshirt. he'll make me a Build-a-Bear and he wont care about how silly he looks being in a store full of 2nd graders because he knows it would be special to me. he'll stay home with me and watch The Notebook and he'll tell me he loved it even though he didn't and the only person he would ever watch it with would be me.he'll.call.me.at.3am.and.ask.me.what.i'm.doing. he'll tell me he couldn't fall asleep because he was thinking about me, and he needed to hear my voice. he can't walk next to me without holding my hand and he always whispers something sweet in my ear. he'll take me to a concert to see his favorite band and he won't get embarrassed to tell me he loves me in front of his friends. when i cry he'll tell me i'm too beautiful to cry and he'll kiss every tear away. he'll always make me feel better because he knows the perfect things to say to me. all of his friends will know we're in love because he'll talk about me to them. when we're walking together he'll stop and pick up a flower and put it behind my ear. he'll tell me i'm his princess and treat me like one too. he'll love everything about me and tell me that i'm perfect just the way i am. we always end up laughing about silly fights. we won't get mad for making fun of each other because we crack up at every bit of it even if we're like how many years old. butterflies will still go crazy inside of me every time he kisses me. he'll tell me he'd die without me. he'll surprise me by bringing me over my favorite food when i'm having a bad day and when we go out for ice cream, he'll put some on my nose then i'll put some all over his face and we just never stop laughing. he's interested in everything i say, and he always cares about it. he'll buy me jewellry and bouncy balls from vending machines. he won't stop playing until he's won me a stuffed animal. he'll take walks with me in the hot summer. and on clear evenings he'll take me out where you can see the whole city and just watch the stars, look into each others eyes and fall asleep in each others arms. every time i even hear his name, it takes my breath away and when i hear him speak, i'll fall in love all over again he'll pay for me all the time even though i never want him to but i can never win but with him i could never lose either because everything about him is just so wonderful. perfect. i'll be his everything and he'll be even more to me. he will love me for always

why can't people leave me alone? why can't they stop picking on me? why does it always have to be me?! why?! i see loads of people who are in a relationship in our school, and they think it's perfectly alright for them to be in that relationship, but when it comes to me. . . it's like totally different! but im not in a relationship, yet, but still they think that i am with this amazing guy and to them, it's wrong for me to be with him, or wrong for me to even have a relationship in that school. . . see how they pick on me? and plus, they judged me before they got to know me, they think im like this, im like that, but really, they're just stuck in this whole web of sick, fake, rumors people continue to say about me. . . one girl even said she didn't like me cos i don't treat men properly. . . wtf?! how would she know? and she claims she has spoken to my "ex's" before, like hell, she doesn't even know them! i treat men the same way i treat anybody, with the respect they deserve, well except when the guy means so much to me more than a friend, it's different because then i give my heart, my love, my utmost care and attention, affection, even my sacrifices - hey, don't think that i serve him more than what i should serve our Lord, no, it's not like that - and of course, my company. but after all ive given to those men that i fell in love with, what do i get in return for giving my all? number 1, a broken heart, number 2, breakdowns, number 3, heartaches and such, number 4, many sleepless nights crying on my bed listening to pathetic broken-love songs, number 5, i don't eat, number 6, i cast everything and everyone out of my life for a bit. . . so how can she say that i treat men badly, when really, i give everything in my power to make the guy happy and feel loved? why do they pick on me? why me? do they enjoy seeing my pain? do they like inflicting pain on me? why? this is not what i had planned to be since i started in that fucking school, i wanted people to like me FOR who I am and not know me through lies and rumors they keep passing on. it's not even half the year and already (some) people dislike me. . . why can't they just stop and realize the shit they're doing? all it takes is one word from this person, like she's like this now, she's like that now, and people have this whole new word to describe me. . . i just hate it, and honestly, im sick and tired, before you judge someone, take a while to walk in their shoes and see how different things could be if you were in their shoes. . . but no, all they do is judge, judge, judge! you people don't have the fucking rights to judge me! seriously, im sick, tired, and really hurt from what they keep doing, why can't they just. . . take time to know me and then see for themselves if i truly AM what they say i am, i bet it wouldn't hurt anybody. . . but no, they think it's too "risky", but i tell you, it's worth more, and plus you get to know the truth and see who i really am outside all those rumors. im just waiting for my chance to shine and show everyone that im not really who they think i am, all it takes is one person. . . one person to help me shine, because from that person, it will pass on to the next, and the next, etc. . . and then i'll be the brightest "star" ever. that's all it takes. . . (i've got another 4 years anyway)

i haven't been posting for awhile. . . sorry guys, i've been busy with home works and loads of projects! aaah! well anyway here's the entry for today. . . enjoy!:)


what would happen if our lives worked just like those cheesy, mushy, love stories? and almost every ending was happy? or "lived happily ever after"? you could describe my life as something like that, well almost, im like what? not even in the middle chapter yet? haha. . . my friends say that my life is like one of those romance novels they have read etc, because they somehow find my life sorta to what they read. and i think to myself, "is that really true?". . . that im not quite sure. . . but i can tell you this though, if i do get to finish this book based on my life, and got to read it all over again, i would defintely go back to the most beautiful chapter where i met the most amazing guy. so far, from the last events that has happened, im enjoying this part the most, having him in my life as some kind of "new" character that has been introduced to my life is simply amazing. gawd im such a hopless romantic. . . if they made a movie, i'd get the part as lead actress. *sigh* i can't wait to see if i will get that happy ending, but im really hoping my life would end with the guy that im crazy in love with right now, it could be possible. . . oh and my friends say we look great together. . . and it just makes me smile that they think that, i know anybody would do the same if they were told they look great together. i couldn't sleep well the other night, and i felt that something wasn't right, and when i woke up this morning to think about it. . . it hit me, and that i found myself lonely the other night, because every night he txts me, and we talk you know? and he is the only person that i talk like almost every night, and when he didn't, things changed, i just need one more day and everything will be back the way it is and i wouldn't be lonely in the night anymore. . . it felt weird that i slept early than late at night, because like we'd talk way past the time i should be in bed, but i bend the rules a bit because he's worth talking to and staying up late every night. . . but by tomorrow, hopefully, things will get back to normal. . . am i talking nonsense?

"what's the one thing you want in the whole world?" my best friend rachelle said one night while we were talking nonsense on the phone, and i said, "haha you really wanna know? cos i wouldn't think you'd be interested, it's kinda pathetic and cheesy""oh come on! don't be a meany haha kiddin, but seriously, please tell me" she begged, "fine, you really wanna know eh? fine. . . i wanna be the guy i told you about as his gf. . ." i heard nothing but silence on the other end, after a few minutes, she said, "damn, that's really sweet of you. . ." and i said, "thanks, but seriously rache, he's all i ever want right now, he's the most gorgeous thing that ever walked the face of the earth, gosh i love him so much, and if i told you how much i did, damn it just wouldn't be enough. . ." silence again, this is getting weird, i thought, but just when i was about to speak, she said, "you have got to be the most wonderful poet i've ever come to know, you're like the shaksepear of modern days, but wait a minute, that tone on your voice, what's up? something is definitely bothering you, tell me" wow, what a bestfriend, she knows when something is wrong, i love rache, and i said, "huh? nothing is wrong, haha why'd you think that?" "oh come on geri, there was something in your voice that told me something was wrong. . ." see what i mean? she's an a n g e l, i finally gave in and told her, "well you see, it's about the guy, he's just not ready to have a relationship yet, and that's what scares me, that i won't be able to have him and call him my own", "aww, don't worry geri, and please don't give up either, it's not like you to do that, i know you, and you go after what you want no matter how hard it may be, but please, don't make yourself wait 5 years. . . you know what i'm talking about", i sighed "yeah i do, but he's so worth the wait rache, he really is. . . he really is something. . . i love him"

all my life i thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. . . well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. the person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves wholeheartedly.

and the person who loves wholeheartedly, feels free.

this is why, regardless of what i may experience, do or learn, nothing makes sense. i hope this time passes quickly, so that i can resume the search for myself- in the form of a man who understands me and does not make me suffer. . .

but what the hell am i saying? in love, no one can harm anyone else; we are, each of us, responsible of our own feelings and cannot blame others for what we feel. it hurt when i lost each of those various men i truly fell in love with, now, though i am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.

this is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without having to own it. . .

eternity seems so long now, without you by my side. how humans entire lives are filled with all this pain, darkness, lonliness. i shudder to think of an eternity, condemned and unforgiven by you. millenia, just a few decades ago would feel like grains of sand in an hourglass. millenia, would feel as if drops of rain on my face trailing behind my non-existant tears. now, my endless journey on this forsaken land of redeeming weekness is as futile as my hope that. . . you will breathe again. i press my fist to my mouth. teeth biting into cold icy skin. i feel the urge to scream abate. . . i close my eyes to blind myself of blurry vision and. . . the sight of your gorgeous body, never to rise again. Heaven and Hell knows how to choose their punishments, choosing the one that would hurt me the most. you warned me, told me of my future. . . what a joke, i have no future now. no more you, you no more= an unending life without you. i guess you warned me, but you didn't tell me that it would hurt so much! so, i grasp at crisp white sheets. my knuckles white with how tight i hold you as if i could save you from this undeniable destiny. i think you might say that i'm too late, that i've seen you fall, and that i saw the rest of eternity. a black light, a doomed world, condemned souls, lost lives, and in the center of it all? an empty heart. i will bring an armageddon just to rid myself of this cursed infinity with its endless loops and this non-life. . . without you

Life is a big ball of pain. everything you go through is paralleled with pain. every love will whither away, every friendship break, every smile droop. but, life isn't about the pain. life isn't perfect, no where near it. it's simply composed of moments of perfection. moments of pure bliss and love and pleasure. yes it will hurt but it will make the happiness that much richer. life is not measured by the breaths we take, but the moments that take your breath away. the first kisses, the first loves, the laughs, the smiles, the hugs, the songs that take you back to a place where everything was perfect, the photos that touch something deep inside of you. the drawings of loved ones that hang on your wall that bring a tear to your eye now, but eventually will be a smile and memory. life is about living for the nights you won't remember, with the people you NEVER forget. that epiphany makes life a little easier to cope with.

who was i trying to fool? i've never had a "true" happy ending, and i've always known that so why do i think that could change? i thought that when he finally said "I Love You" that would eventually lead to my "happy ending", i was already happy when he said those three small words, i didn't need anymore than that, i didn't ask for a relationship, no, cos im not ready to give everything yet. . . but then when he gave me a letter today, that changed everything. here's what it said (well not ALL of it. . .) ". . . i don't know any other way to put all this sept by saying it straight off. I STILL LOVE A*E*. i love her as much as i love you. . . you're still one of my BESTIST friends & i don't want that to change. . ." i don't need to say anything further. . . everything is there in that small part. he just doesn't get it, how much it hurts me to be called his friend, even a bestfriend. . . i thought something was there, really i did, and i still believe that there is still a chance for both of our "happy ending" to come true. i hope im not being selfish when i say "i want him" but i know i have to respect his feelings and his decisions above my very own. . . when i came home from school today, i went straight to the comforts of my room and laid on my bed, despite me wearing my school uniform, and broke down in tears. . . all the things i've felt that day but couldn't let it out, went to the covers of my pillow. i drowned my pillow with my tears, but i didn't mean to. . . i cried for 2 and a half hours, listening to emotional music, and cried again. . . this is probably the worst break downs i've ever had, and this is no one's fault except my own. . . if i listened to my head rather than my heart, this wouldn't happen, but i know that i just couldn't do it, i always end up listening to my heart, because for some reason, it's probably right this time. . . he calls me his best friend, and silently, i weep inside. if ever you're asking if i still love and care for him, yes i do. . . no matter how much it hurts to be his best friend, although it's a good thing, i'll still go on living my life as it was meant to be, and still love him. . . kinda pathetic don't you think? well shut up. . . if one time he finds himself knowing nobody cares for him, although i doubt that would happen, i hope he knows that i still do, always and forever, and hope he knows that that will never change, even if time will bring me someone new, God knows that i will always love and care for him, but in that way, not like a "friend" love and care thing. if i have to wait, so be it, im a patient person. . . if i have to wait almost a lifetime for me to have that chance, so be it i say. because til time runs out, i'll still be here. . . holding on to whatever i've got left. . . and God knows how happy i will be when i finally get that chance, i myself don't know, but you'll probably notice that i am, for one, i'll smile a lot, cry less, and probably my smile will be as "beautiful" as ever. and gosh, if ever he gives me that hug, you will know that i have found heaven, in his arms. all my dreams and wishes were, and still are, for him, but snap back to reality, they probably won't come true, no matter how much i want them to. but until that day comes, i'll still care, i'll still love, and i'll still be his best friend. . . never knowing how much that hurts me.


The Pain of Love

Eyes are made for seeing,
I have seen you.
Lips are made for kissing,
I WANT TO KISS YOU!

Nose is made for smelling,
And hands are made to touch.
Secrets are made for telling,
I WANT YOU TOO MUCH!

Chances are made for taking,
I probably took one on you.
Hearts are made for breaking,
AND YOU BROKE MINE TOO!


When are we going to be together?
Will you love me now or will it take forever?
I love you always with all my heart
Be with you and never part
With this poem, i have one thing in mind
You just have to read the first word of each line. . .


take care you guys. . . always

I had reached a point in my life where i felt that "true love" was a thing of the past for me. There were nice people, it's true, but no more magic, no more being swept of my feet. And right when i was about to close the door on that chapter of my life, HE walked in. . . and everything changed. Suddenly, i found myself smiling almost all the time, and the more i learned about him, the more astounded i felt at just how perfect he is for me. there was no escaping the fact that what was happening between us was meant to be. and now, every time he gives me that warm smile, his oh so sweet touch, i realize that life saved the very best. . . for last. you know when i was a child, my thoughts were filled with wonderful things. . . like ice cream. . . merry-go-rounds. . . rainbows. . . everything that excites a child. now that im much grown up, i still think of wonderful things. but this time, the image is him. it's he that excites me now. you don't know the pleasures i get from just thinking of him are not unlike those i had as a child. i smile to myself when i think of his warm hugs. . . his touch. . . his smile. . . the looks he gives me. they're like with me all the time. . . just as i hope he will always be. damn. . . he's got me going crazy. . . all i can think about lately is, well, him! aah! well, i guess that is normal. . . right? gee i hope so.


If this is a game, then i don't want to play.
This means so much to me and you're so far away.
But i shall wait for you.
We can see this through.
Now it's up to you.
Please tell me, if you feel the same way too.

A simple touch, the look in your eye, the sound of your voice.
They do something to me i've never felt but i don't ever want to leave.
Looks like it's happened to me once again.
Things are over before they started, another goodbye,
Unless you want to. . . try, and i'll promise you i'll try.

A warm embrace;
it's beem a while since i've seen your oh so adorable face.
If you would let me, i don't think i'd ever leave this place.
Every shared night just feels so right
When i wake up with you in my arms, staring into my eyes.

Tell me you'll be waiting.

wow... soo many comments on my last post, haha im not complainin, it is really flattering to know that people do read what you have to right down, or blog, or that they do care for you, even thought they don't know you, or vice-versa... the sad part is... they're all ANONYMOUS!!! waaah! why can't they not put anonymous... haha well, i do know some of their names, like jenna! yehey! she calls me *sweetie* which is totally awesome! and... ken? haha yeah. they say it's interesting... well, thanks! haha... today, i don't have any problems... so far it's all good... today was great despite the rain and shit... hmm... but even though i didn't have a prob at all? i was feeling down... why? *sigh* because *he* wasn't there... i did see him at school today, but he had to leave early in the morning, like around 8, to record something... what a bummer... i felt so incomplete without him... but not to worry, i said, because before he left, he gave me a smile! aww... yeah, so it was on my mind the whole day! they came back at around 2 in the afternoon, so i only got to spend time with him during training... *sigh* oh hey, i just remembred something, this is a quiz that i made, wanna take it? i know you don't know me and stuff, but it's just for fun:) http://www.dazzigurl88.friendtest.com well, there you go... it fun really, ahaha so anyway... pretty much was like that the whole day... hey, i made another poem, well if that's what you wanna call it... enjoy! <3


I know some things are better left unsaid
Yet i have to tell you what's been
Running through my head

I don't know if what i am feeling is
Wrong or right
But you stay on my mind,
baby both day and night

I'm not going to say that im probably
in love with you
But for you i have feelings
That i know are true

I love being with you everyday
It makes me want you
more and more in every way

I could just sit and watch you for days
You've gotten me wrapped up
In your mesmerizing ways

I love seeing your big, charming smile
That makes everything
In my life worthwhile

I want to feel your arms wrapped
around me so tight
Just the way i dream every night

I want to be with you as more than
just friends
But i guess that's where my fantasy
ends

If only you'd give us a chance you'd
see
Just how great together we would be

But until that day comes to par
I'll keep admiring you from afar.

hope you loved it! <3

hey guys, here i am (again). . . i've got another problem, *sigh* should i wait for him? i mean really. . . should i? im not sure, im starting to think about what i said. . . that i'll wait for him, i really do, it's how long the wait, is what im afraid of. . . he says he "loves" me, and to me it's kinda unfair, cos he says it like as a friendly love, but when i say it, it does mean something. . . dammit! why does everything have to be so damn complicated?! im blaming nobody but myself for letting this happen, why can't i understand that what im doing is only hurting myself? oh and were meeting this saturday to watch a movie and stuff. . . were gonna make out! >:) LMAO! well. . . back to the prob. . . people ask me what i see in him, and fuck, i say "all the things that you can't" which is true really, he is amazing, he is sometimes sweet, but like at times when he wants to be? yeah something like that, and i don't know, there is something else, i just can't seem to figure it out, but damn, when i look at him, it's like i DO effin see it, that it's right in front of him, haha "i had to fall to finally see, that he was right in front of me" i just wanted to say that, so off topic but so what? anyway, where was i? oh yeah, i just wish that there will come a time that he'll realize what he's missing, but you see, im still here, now and forever, im not going anywhere, never will, this situation reminds me of some romantic book i read, EXACTLY like it, but in the end, they both ended up together, will that be my happy ending as well? will that happen to me? im not afraid of happy endings, hell no! but im afraid that my life won't work that way. . . *sigh* yeah that's all i can give for now. . . here are some >stuff<>


Now and Forever

My love for you will never end
It runs much deeper than just a friend
I long to feel your warm embrace
And to see a smile upon your face

A love so strong, a love so true
A love that i could only have for you
This heart that could never be broken
Is now, to you, laid wide open

It was a door with no key to be found
But like a true friend, you've stuck around
You unlocked that door that hid my love
You're like a gift from up above

So for now and forever, i vow to be true
There is no one io could love like you
So for now and forever, and then a bit more
This love we share is what i'll long for

for Now and Forever, till death do us part
for Now and Forever, you'll stay in my heart

<3

Blessing or Curse

Some would say a blessing,
Some would say a curse
Cupid in all his glory
Or the devil at his worst

Call it what you want
Think of it what you will
Make it a great nightmare
Or a stimulating thrill

So take the plunge
And see how it feels
Is it your blessing or curse
To fall head over heals

Will there be tears of heartache
Or tears resulting from joy
How will it make you feel
To fall in love with a boy

Will he be your blessing
Will he be your curse
Is he going to be the last
Or of many just the first

<3

I've spent a lifetime of wondering with my head on the ground,
Never knowing that you were nearest when i was feeling down,
Lost in a feeling that i try to understand,
When all i really needed was for you to take my hand.
Down the pages of my history echoed the ghost of long ago,
I understood it was something that i should really know,
It came to me and i think i should really know,
That all i really needed was for you to take my hand.
Through a thousand timeless shores, i could see you standing there,
I know i had to stop and think, for you i gently care,
But by then i was young to want to understand,
That all i really needed was for you to take my hand.

<3

We spoke of petty things, avoiding the uncomfortable truth, shielding our eyes from the penetrable light. i wish i had taken my eyes off myself long enough to memorize your face that night i was lost in my insecurities becoming one of the "birds and the bees". the stars shone bright, unheeded up above, i wish i had told you that you're the one i love. that night could have been beautiful, yet i was fretting about the rules. i was afraid that if i were to stop my jabbering, i might do the most uncomfortable thing. . . And Kiss You. i wish i hadn't been so afraid. afraid of what i might say or do. the Truth is I think I Love You.

hope you enjoyed them! <3

Now that i think about it... i probably won't ever get that chance with *him* it's kinda obvious... you know, sometimes i think he doesn't like me, like he had to do this bet or something to get me to like him, but i don't know, but i hope not, but anyway, do you think he's leading me on? nah... i hope not... but he keeps saying stuff that make me wanna be with him more, like our imaginations if we were together, or how about if we went out, like were gonna kiss and stuff, i mean i don't want us to stop planning the *future* if EVER we end up together, but why still do it? maybe because it sweet? i have no idea, but i never want it to stop, this person who commented on my other post said that i should realize that now is probably not the time to be together... and that he knows it and perhaps he wants me to realize this... but i don't want to... that's the prob right there... i know i have feelings for him, i do, because i can feel it, but i guess i have to respect his feelings too and probably his decision... but you know it hard. i mean im practicaly waiting for him, when really he's the one suppose to be the one waiting. *sigh* im a patient person... i can wait... just for him. him and ONLY him.


take care you guys! <3

so ok... today went i think... great... yeah it did! for once? things almost went my way... omfg! he gave me a bracelet!! aww it was like so sweet of him! gee, i hope he's not reading this haha! hmm, despite the fact that i see the one i used to love like everyday... i don't know, it's like i couldn't look at him and not be hurt by him... you get me? damn, he gave me so much pain and whenever i look at him... it's like i get hurt again... yeah so what if i still look at him? anyway... somethings wrong with this one person in this other class... it's like all of a sudden, this person totally ignores me! like wtf?! this person ignores all my text messages, does not say hi to me anymore, and whenever i do try and talk to that person, ask him why that person is ignoring me, it's like the person doesn't want to talk to me! like no interest whatsoever to talk to me! grrr... i don't know what happened, but im thinking that someone told that person something bad or wrong bout me that made that person ignore me... hmmm well anyway... im bored...


remember what i said at the last post? that we shall wait and see what will happen if i said i didn't want to fall in love just to get hurt always in the end thing? well... i think i am now... but i swear im not doing that on purpose... no... i don't know why... but yeah... im falling for this guy at school, well, he's my best friend actually, so yeah... im really crazy about him! he doesn't know how much he's got it bad! but my problem is... i don't think were at the same level, i mean he did say he likes me, but that's it... im falling for him and all he could say was that "i like you" blah blah blah.... he said, too, that he does want me to be his (i think thats what he said) but... just not now? yeah something like that... i don't know how long i'll be able to keep up with the things im doing! sometimes i just hate myself... i did tell him that i'll wait for that time when he will fall for me... now the question that boggles my mind is... how long shall i wait? even if it does take that long, it's worth the wait for me, because i'd rather let myself wait, than give him up... cos truly, he is important to me, REALLY important... and if i told him that like everyday? it just probably wouldn't be enough... i mean, everytime, well not really everytime, but most of the time he looks at me, i turn away cos i don't want him to know what his gaze does to me. everytime i see him, gosh, i can't explain how happy i am, i get butterflies in my stomach, and omg, i even catch myself smiling just because his NAME just happen to cross my mind! call me crazy, call me pathetic, anything! i just can't help it! he's got me going crazy! urrrgh! if only he'd see things the way i see things... *sigh*

today was rather fucked... why?... because first of all... the one that i loved CHEATED on me since the last 28th... and he's calling me a flirt? and practically all his friends (im not going to name, names) think im a flirt... let's get one thing straight fuckers, IM NOT A FLIRT!! i dont know HOW to effin flirt! all i do is talk to people and be friendly... if they think talking to people is "flirting" i shan't talk! happy?! anyway... yeah he got a new gf and only told me today... when she went to our school... he told me not to cry, but i ended up in the girls bathroom crying all over and never got to eat my lunch, and on top of that, i threw up (again) im still under medication, so yeah, i hate the fact that she has my world now, i just hope she will get to feel the things i felt when he was mine back then, i want her to feel the things i never got the chance to feel... no, we weren't "on" but we were in love... and since that last 28th, which was by the way, our 3rd ever monthsary, they were together! he kept this from me ever since! and honestly, yeah it does hurt. but you know what hurts more? is the fact that he blamed me for cheating on him with another guy too, which wasn't true! but there is always a bright side, wait... did i say always? ha! not always... gosh, i dont know what to do... he was my whole world and i did care for him so much, if he only understood... but i guess now is too late... really too late... i loved him, and i tried my best to make him feel my love, even though our fucking school has a 6-inch rule... now this new girl gets to give him love and feel his love in return... *sigh*

when is my turn? it funny really, the last time i broke things off with my "ex", i said i never want to have to fall in love just to get hurt always in the end... then he came bursting into my life and everything changed, i forgot what i had said, and i found myself falling for him... and turns out he did too... he promised me that he will never hurt me, oh, same old line, i guess he was bluffing that time, cos he did hurt me, not once, twice.... but three times, i should have known that when people do say they won't hurt you, they probably will at the end, no matter how many promises they make, somehow, someway, you will eventually get hurt... that's what i think, and i want somebody to prove me wrong... so yeah, i wonder what will happen if i say the same thing over again? "i don't wanna fall in love just to get hurt always in the end" will something happen? we'll see...


gotta go... take care all you guys! <3

someday i am going to leave here, and i am not going to look back. . . i won't look at the mistakes, or the pain and the tears, or that one night we spent together that seemed like if we held on, it could last an eternity. . . i am not going to look back. i hope to look forward to new friendships and less crying, more love, and more trying. . . i am not going to look back. . . for anything about you.

and I Loved You with all my heart. i fought for you, i treasured you. . . i went to hell and back for you. . . and i am still sitting here, lonely and afraid. . . without the only one that ever mattered.

i wouldn't know what to call these past few months other than a beautiful existence. it was highlighted by you, and given to me, it was shined on by many, and loved by a few. . . and here i am, waiting for any kind of a second beginning that in the end. . . would give me you...

You asked me how I continue to look so happy. . .
And all I had to answer was you. . .
But you left a long, long time ago. . .
And so it seems we're through.

You gave me a part of myself that I never knew I had. . . You showed me a place inside myself that I never even would have guessed existed. I spent years trying to find what you did. Years! And you found it in a matter of minutes. And now, I ask, why can't you see how much you are breaking my heart.

I am sitting here, a world apart from the place you are. I have a broken heart, and tears sliding endlessly down my cheeks. You smile and you laugh and you pretend "we" never existed, but we both know what I meant to you. . . almost as much as you meant to me. . .