i am bloody pissed. why can't people just bloody mind their own business? because they can't! i am living proof that life can get even more suckier one moment, then when you think it's ok, boom! disaster strikes harder, and i'm tired of that. my friends don't bloody believe me, people that matter to me don't believe me. why? all because of a plan that didn't push through. first of all, my friends and i planned on playing this online game, dota, waay before jose asked me to play with him yesterday (saturday) and to make long story short, my so called friends didn't show up, and told me when i was already at the mall. if they were going to come along, i would have informed jose sooner, but since they didn't, why bother, right? and now. stephen and jose think i'm bloody lying! stephen started asking jose questions about yesterday when i already told him beforehand what would happen saturday. but things changed. that doesn't make me a liar! and now i am really mad at the both of them. since stephen asked jose some questions, jose started questioning me if my friends were really coming! do you know how painful that is? i kept saying that they told me they couldn't come, and jose says he senses i am lying! i'm really surprised, i didn't expect he'd be like this... i'm really disappointed... and stephen! he just had to ask jose when he could've asked me! and i already told him! some friends i've got... thanks to stephen, i think i lost a great, if not wonderful friendship with jose... i am both mad at them and refuse to speak to them. how can they do that? ganging on to me like that... you can be surprised what people, not to mention your friends, could do nowadays.

the problem is: there's just no trust anymore. if there's no trust, i am sorry, there isn't any "us" either. no wonder he broke up with me, not just cos we didn't have trust though. it finally hit me that maybe we're not meant to be. i guess that break up did more damage to me than i thought it would. maybe i'm wrong... i'm not sure... now i'm asking myself if i still want this...
i'm trailing off. anyway... i'm still pissed... disappointed. i turned off my phone, i don't wanna speak to the both of them right now... it's like they teamed up on me or something. everyone does that to me these days, and honestly, i'm growing really tired and my patience is wearing thin. i don't know what will happen tomorrow...

moving on... i miss kheem... it's been a really long time since i hung out with her, talked to her, laughed with her... none of that ever happens these days ever since she fell in love and got a boyfriend. but now, she hangs out with maria and still has time to be with anj... before when i was new to pcst, it would always be kheem and geri, people always saw us together, laughing together, etc. but now, you always see kheem and anj, and sometimes, kheem, anj, and maria, most times, kheem and maria, rarely... kheem and geri. before it was the four of us, kheem, maria, keren and me. we all got close this year thanks to the volleyball team we joined. but ever since keren stopped going to school, maria has been hanging out more with kheem more often than i do, i'm not jealous, i just miss her. miss her to the point that i dream about her. call me whatever, but it kills me inside when she calls maria to acompany her, it kills me when she wants her company more, it kills me that they're laughing and whispering together while i'm watching by the sidelines. what happened to geri? that used to be me she would always call. things change no matter how much we don't want it to change. i guess all i have to do is go along with it... but i wish i could tell her how much this is bothering me.. but i never could, and so, i let a moment pass me by. and so, i'm left all alone, just constantly missing her.

homaygad!! it's been FOREVER since i last wrote here! dammnn!! i'm so sorry you guys... a lots been happening... i mean a LOT... for one.. we broke up, yeah.. i know... shocking isn't it? 9 months down the drain, just like that... and i thought he didn't wanna break up.. whatever, moving on... what else? well that break up was like the highlight of this year... aside from other depressing moments... liking getting rejected... but anyway, that's another story... what i'm about you is gonna knock you off your seat... not really... okaay... so i heard from him that his friends from cebu totally hate me for what i supposedly "did" to the guy... i'm not gonna lie to any of you, i got fucking pissed and hurt... like what the fuck??!! you people don't even know me!! yes, and until now, i'm still pretty pissed... and why shouldn't i be? it's like judging a person without gettin to know that person first... and most of his friends don't know who i am, execpt for like one girl.. they only know me through what i do to the guy... it's just unfair for me... but what do they care right? all they know is that i'm this mean (ex)girlfriend of their bestfriend whom they want to protect... fack you people... seriously... you don't know my side... and you call yourselves Christians? pleeease... i'm sorry, i'm just still pissed... but that's no excuse, i'll say whatever the hell i want... so what you gonna do? ban him from asking me to be his (future) girlfriend? FINE. GO AHEAD. i don't give a damn if you load his mind with bullshit about me. then he's gonna complain why he lost me? thank your friends, sweetie. they didn't want a PERSON like me in his life. and just what kind of person am i now? a MEAN person? you tell me. oh shit. i forgot. haha YOU DON'T KNOW ME!! so you can't tell shit about me now can you? aww, poor friends. you guys are so pathetic. hating me won't make you people pretty. some of you don't even need to be more pretty... cos you already are! so STOP HATING ME!!! i'm telling you, you don't know SHIT about me!!! you think you're so cool, and suave that EVERYBODY like you? you just don't know the few people who hate you.. cos while you're busy hating me, some people are busy hating you. so as of now, i should be thankful, cos since i don't hate you people NOW, somebody's already hating you for me... i don't wanna hate them back.... i don't wanna be either of you.

i haven't been writing here for awhile. my apologies. anyway... i'm always down, depressed, mad, etc. does everyone have to put me down? even my own friends who i THOUGHT were my friends at school seem to put me down, and get this, they put me down all because of stupid rumors they hear. can't you guys stop it? this is not the first time, and it probably won't be the LAST time i will say this, but, for your sake i will say it again. RUMORS ARE NOT TRUE. and the more you spread it, you become caught in a web full of lies... in this, "web", did you check to see if YOUR other friends are caught in it to? yes, they are, aren't they? cos they started that shit rumor! you are my friends you are there to lift me up and NOT drag me down, and keep me in the dirt til i have no more room to breathe anymore! why do you do this? you guys are my friends, or at least i thought you guys are... how could you? how DARE you! and you even dragged my own boyfriend into believing you guys!! so ok, we went to EK that time, i did tell stephen i was going with kheem, anj, etc, some things happened that wasn't supposed to happen, but WE DID NOT MAKE OUT! i am not that kind of person to do that behind my BOYFRIEND's back! if you do believe that, then you do NOT know me. and to think you guys were my friends? and you all know this isn't the first rumor about me that you believed, no it isn't, remember the "flirting" rumor? yes i still remember that, how could i? you people nearly drained the life out of me, and this one? you guys stabbed me to death and left me bleeding... even my own boyfriend believed his BESTFRIEND rather than me, you guys need to get your fucking FACTS right... you guys weren't even there at ek, so how the hell would you know if we did make out? you guys never learn do you, and you know dan, he makes shit up! how many times?? and still you choose to believe him more than me? is something wrong with me? if there is please! tell me! i'd have to change again! you guys left me miserable when the flirting rumor began... and to think that was last year... now i'd have to suck it up and live my life being incomplete. now you know rumors can really "kill" a person, you should know, I'M your living PROOF... think before you talk... if you don't wanna feel guilty or hurt anybody... use your coconut! it's there for a reason!! i have nothing more to say.. and don't think i'm fully over it cos i smile everyday, well, i'm not, i hate seeing my friends everyday and knowing what they do to me... it just isn't right. goodbye.

do you know how painful it is when your own friends feel awkward around you? if not, then you wouldn't know how i feel. i thought they were my friends, friends who enjoys each others company even when you're with your bf/gf... they didn't want me included all because they know i get "jealous" when i see other girls hanging around my guy... if i was included, i wouldn't have to be jealous, why would i? i'm with him aren't i? why do they have to feel awkward? why?! is it because all his attention is with me and not them? i would think he'd give them attention, too, not just only me, after all, WE are hanging out, it's not just the two of us, two of our friends, or so i thought they were, are there as well. i didn't wanna become this, a jealous girlfriend, i didn't wanna be "tagged" as his jealous girlfriend, but what can i do? is it my fault i'm with a guy who all the girls wanna be with? i have to be careful, protective, in the end they understand that as just being jealous. i hate what i've become, i know it's not what he wants, for all i know it's not what everyone wants... it's like i'm being watched, judged for every wrong move i make, i hate feeling that way, it makes me think everyone hates me, or find something to hate about me, do they know what they're doing to me?! doubt that. every day i come home after school, and you know what i do? i go to the comforts of my room and cry. cry for another day gone bad all because i felt a bit jealous, or made him be a bit mad at me, for arguing about some stupid thing... i cry cos i don't wanna be jealous anymore, i don't wanna keep him from doing stuff all because it would make me jealous... let him go out more with his other girl friends, watch a movie with them, let them have my bf for a day! i won't get jealous... i'll show them i won't get jealous... let them have my world, go ahead... I WON'T GET JEALOUS



i'll just regret it all later

QUIZ: IS IT TRUE LOVE?

It was love at first sight- or was it?

How can you tell the real thing from a fleeting attraction?

1. When you think of him, you think of:

a. his face
b. his voice
c. his body
d. the fact that he still owes you 100 for pizza from the other night

2. To you he smells like:

a. fresh bread
b. soap
c. wet dog
d. sauerkraut (and you don't like sauerkraut)

3. When you see him you hear:

a. a heavenly choir
b. violins
c. a talk radio station
d. fingernails on a chalkboard

4. On your first date he gave you:

a. a love poem
b. flowers
c. nothing
d. the flu

5. You're first words to him are:

a. "I think I'm in love."
b. "Nice shirt."
c. "Is this the line for the bathroom?"
d. "Move it, Tubby!"

6. he's like his father because:

a. he's honest
b. he works hard
c. he snores
d. he has a pot belly

7. You're favorite thing about him is:

a. the way he respects you
b. the way he listens to you
c. the way you look together
d. the way he fades into the woodwork when you don't need him

8. Your favorite time with him is:

a. alone together, kissing
b. on the phone, talking late at night
c. those funny little silences that prove you don't have to talk to be close
d. watching him drive away

9. If you had to describe him in one phrase, you'd call him:

a. king of men
b. nice
c. adequate
d. scum


Scoring:

If you chose mostly a's, you've found bliss! True love! Just keep an eye on it
so it won't go sour.

If you chose mostly b's, you have a prefectly good relationship.
Maybe it will blossom into true love later-you never know.

If you chose mostly c's, you're biding your time with someone who doesn't reallly
grab you. Let go and find someone who makes your heart race.

If you chose mostly d's, nuff said. You're either cynically using your honey or
else you think this is how love should be. Don't settle! And get out of this
trap before you turn bitter!

times have changed. now that it has, he talks to me less and less now, just a little hi sometimes, a "watsup?" now and then, and in between, "i love you's". but that's it. we talked more back then, like almost everyday after school, and on weekends too. i'd waste my load cos of texting him, i don't mind cos i'm using my load on him and not some other person.

he doesn't have that much time for me anymore, he used to stop what he was doing to be with me, to talk to me, just stay with me only. it kills me to see him with her more than me, it kills me to see my world in the hands of another girl, but i won't let him know that, cos he will just fight me, he'll just say i'm being jealous. of course i am, it's a normal reaction you know. but i've improved.

and i'm sure there's many more changes that he has made without him knowing, but i won't tell it here anymore, those two are just more important to me, for i need him more and more everyday, and the problem is that he doesn't seem to notice that=( i truly miss those times when he was always with me, always talks to me, now it feels like i'm "sharing" him with everyone else, and by "everyone", i mean girls, he's too sweet around them but he can't be romantic with me anymore... what's happening? i guess i shouldn't complain, i'd just have to adjust to everything again, even though that would hurt me a bit, that's ok, cos you know why? i love him, and i'd do anything to make him happy, even though it might affect me, so here i go, understanding why he might not talk to me less and less, here i go, understanding why he might not have time for me, here i go, realizing why he might not be that romantic anymore, and lastly, here i go... sharing the guy i so deeply love with those other girls, and i'll just watch as my world falls into their hands instead of mine, watch my world have fun with them, and all i'll do is watch and be happy for him... and if i'm lucky, he'd allow me to be in his world the way he allows them to be in his.

i cried today. no one knew why. i was being pressured and the only way i could get it out of me was to cry. and on top of that i had a problem and stephen couldn't be serious for one minute. he was being insensitive to how i feel now. i tell him my prob and all he does is laugh about it. i don't think that's funny... don't you? sure, i guess he's trying to cheer me up, make me feel better and all, but i just wanted him to listen to me without having to laugh. does he think my problems are funny? could be. i don't laugh at his problems so why does he laugh at me?

i ate lunch somewhere today. no one knows where. i didn't even feel like conversing with anyone. i wanted to talk to stephen, but i changed my mind. i just want him to take all my problems away for just a moment so i'd be free of all problems... but no, he might laugh, therefore i am forced to talk about it to my probs to my friends, but they might not understand. so i just keep it to myself and figure it out on my own. don't tell me i didn't try though. when i'm with stephen, he seems to take my worries and problems away even though he couldn't take them away for good, but for that one moment, i feel that he could. i wanna feel that way again whenever i tell him my problems, but now he just laughs and i feel worse than before... i wish he's understand... or at least try to...


<3

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you! Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter. You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover. Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives. Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours. No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

oh my *blushes* coolness!!=) i'm a fantasy lover *drool* bwehe