im going crazy here! this is shit really... yesterday pen went over to my house, not exactly my house but my village with some friends of his that i know. why? cos he wanted to see me and i wanted to see him too, since it summer and all and we don't normally see each other so yesterday was our chance to do so. so ok, i don't wanna type all the details here... all im gonna say is that i think i hurt him... im mad at myself cos i pushed him away from me when he wanted to do shit the other day, but i didn't wanna let myself do it cos his friends were there and pen looked sorta stressed and i guess i made him more stressed when i said i didn't want to do shit, but really, i did want... it just wasn't the right time and place to do that... especially the timing! i had my... yeah... it's so embarrassing to say it here, but i wanted you guys to know that im not making shit up cos i didn't wanna do anythin with him when i know people would do but it's really getting off topic so anyway.... and another thing why i didn't wanna was because his friends were mad at him for bringing them to my place and if we did shit then they'd be more mad at him... so i had to say no to prevent them from getting mad at pen even more.... but in the end pen got mad, im not sure if he got mad at me but nontheless he is mad... he kept txting me but i didn't reply to him cos i was soo mad at MYSELF to do so... i can't believe i hurt him!! you should've seen the expression on his face when i said "no" but truth be told i did want to... despite my ehem "visitor" (the girls know this) and i was just afraid he'd get into trouble with his friends if we did shit so i didn't want that to happen. so at the end everyone got mad and well... yesterday was bad... im sorry stephen... i didn't mean to... God im such an idiot! i can never forgive myself for allowing me to hurt him, sure he can hurt me, no prob, cos its me anyway but when it comes to stephen i never wanna hurt him... im just sorry i did... im still pissed at myself... anyway... he told me to check out his blog cos he wrote something on it, and i was right, he is mad at me.... i didn't have to read his blog to know that he is mad at me- i just know... and the comments... im a bitch now... did he have to go that far? the only person can call me a bitch is myself... so i am now a jealous, complaining, hurtful, bitch of a girlfriend... im surprised why he's still hanging around me... or why he still loves me when im like this... im so depressed... i need to do something... and if you're thinking about cutting... well you MAY be right... so... well im still depressed... oh and i wrote something for him, a poem to be precise, then he lost it... or maybe he got pissed at me that he "accidentally" lost it or something... anybody would do that when they're mad at their gf/bf... anyway here it is, i hope i still remember it... here it is:

I want to wake up each morning

To be looking into your eyes

For us to look out the window

And watch the sunrise

Your arms wrapped around me

From morning til night

Kissing and laughing

As you hold me tight

I'd look into your eyes

And just sit there and stare

Realizing this feeling

I'm getting is rare

The feeling that forever

You are unconditionally loved

The feeling that this person

Was sent from above

I will always be there for you

And love you with all my heart

I promise with everything

We will never be apart

I will love you and cherish you

For the rest of my life

Waiting for the day

I can become your wife

Always and forever

I will love you

Even after the day

I say *I do*

i have a tremendous problem... well no, not really, just a small problem i guess... in all my past relationships, not once have i been told that i was a PAIN in the neck to my guy, not once, well, until now... that sorta hurts to know that i am some sort of "pain" to the guy i love and who loves me back. it all started like yesterday when we were walking from school to my friends house to hang, it was blistering hot and i was soo not in the right attire, because we were wearing our school uniform, and the girls wear more layers of uniform than the guys, so hear me out, it was blistering hot and it was around 1p.m. and we were out there in the heat of the sun, and i was wearing my uniform, who wouldn't complain? if that was the case i would've taken off my fucking uniform! but im not stupid, so anyways, we were walking right? i told him it was freaking hot and i felt like i was gonna faint, we kept stopping to every shade we saw and i was wearing HEALS for crying out loud, tell me who wouldn't want to be in my place? but anyway, we kept going, now i was told that my friends house was NEAR to where our school was, but unfortunately it wasn't! it felt like forever til we finally got to his house, my neck and head was burning and i really needed water... do you know the feeling when your inside are like heating up? or that at the back of your neck is really hot? that's how i felt... anyway... of course i loved - yes LOVED - the ahem, "short" walking distance (wink) to his house cos it meant being with pen, but getting there was a biggy for me. #1 it was hot, #2 i was wearing my uniform with many layers, #3 i had heals... but i didn't want that to get to me cos i wanted to go over there in the first place... but unfortunately it did and that's where pen said in his blog (www.infallibleforgiveness.blogspot.com) that i was a pain in the neck:'( when i first read it, i thought, ok, no big, but when i read it again just to make sure, i started thinking that it wasn't ok that i was called "a pain in the neck" and the thing that annoys me, well not annoy, that's the wrong word... the thing that bothers me is that i never considered him as a PAIN in my neck and yet here he is telling other readers that i am... im embarassed of myself and at the same time a bit hurt... he could have told me to stop it and just wait a few more minutes til we got to my friends house, i would've heard the seriousness in his voice... but no... he just said i was a pain in his neck... and for once... i do not know what i should do... yeah... i don't know if i should write a poem... listen to depressing songs... whatever...

hey you guys! it's awfully been a looong time! im so sorry that it has taken me this long to write here... things has been happening and i couldn't find the time to type it all down here for you guys to see because i've been busy handling them... you know? gee... i hope you guys still read this blog... haha ok... here are the details... so ok, pen is now my bf and it's been 2 months and 13 days, but it's not all fun and laughter you know, some problems have been popping up, as if its doing that on purpose to break us up or something, hopefully not, anyways, like i said, problems.... like how he gets pissed at me for not spending time with him, but i really do, and, and... i don't know.. some other problems we've encountered but i cant really remember haha! but i guess were all good now:) but gosh, i think the problem that couples encounter now is time... we never have time to be with each other... maybe it's because of me... but you can't hang out all the time with a guy at my school.. if you only knew what happens... the teachers start noticing and then they might think you guys are together then they go tell the principal then... yah... it's just hard and im only preventing that from happening... he just has to understand that... anyway... i can't believe that were 2 months! i can't wait to pass 3... then 4... then 5... etc! i really love him, and fuck all those problems! that only makes our relationship stronger! well, it's almost summer... and that means ISC... and that means pen would be leaving me for a month... i kept crying myself to sleep cos of that for awhile cos i kept thinking about all those miles and miles that we'd be away from each other... 1 whole fucking month CANNOT compare to the 4 YEARS i'd be spending alone without him, cos by then he'd be in the States for college... i can't deal with him being so far away! no i can't... someone help me before i start to cry again.....