wow, i found an essay paper that i wrote for the school's newspaper in my old school haha here it is! ahem, don't laugh, i was oh so young when i wrote it! lol

"you're still my best friend!"

Why do i have to cry for something i know i can no longer hold on to? This is the question that boggles my mind. i always feel like crying whenever i get the chance to remember the moments my friend and i used to share. I know i should just accept the sad truth that things will never go back to normal between the two of us, but it hurts me! It's just so hard to let go of something that was such a big part of my life. People say i should simply value the time im spending apart from my friend so that i can discover myself again- but this is just too painful for me to do. Now, i ask myself, "what went wrong between the two of us?" it happened just about this week. We then grew to be very good friends, but eventually we got into a misunderstanding. I've started to feel empty since then. I've accepted my mistakes and have tried to apologize every chance i got, but it's just too tough to win back his friendship. Though he's no longer interested to be my friend, i still want to fix our situation. i know i must start to say "goodbye", but it will cost me countless tears before i recover. I'm being silly, and that i probably don't deserve to have a good friend like him, but it's difficult to pretend that im not affected, which indeed i am. They say if you truly treasure someone as a friend, it doesn't matter how much he or she has failed you. The important thing is that you still trust and accept that someone as a friend, no matter what! The trust and acceptance he had for me is no longer there and i really can't blame him if that is the way he wants it to be. But our memories that we onced share will remain alive in me and i will treasure them forever. Eventually, i know that when we leave behind the conflict, we'll both be all right in the end. After all, each of us have our own lives to lead. And after thousand failed attempts to become his friend again, i realize that it's good for him to live his life and welcome more aquaintances. It's painful for me to bear this, but i have to respect this decision and let him be free! I know our friendship didn't last or work the way i wanted it to be, but im glad our paths once crossed each other. Because without the hurt that he has given me, i may not have this deep sense of having learned something from him. I know i can no longer look for another person exactly like him, and also, i know that it is unlikely for him to return to me. But im still hoping, even if it takes forever.


please do not laugh! it looks... "blech" haha when i think about it now, this essay seems so imature, haha... and i forgot about my guy friend... it's certainly been awhile since i last heard from him... which was... hmmm... if im not mistaken, 4 years. tsk tsk.. you know, i forgot why we fought come to think about it haha. oh well. hope you enjoyed reading this!

i have a very bad habbit now... wanna know what it is? i'll tell you. it's crying myself to sleep every night since last week. it's not because of him, well part of it is, but im not blaming him though. ever since we had serious fights, fights like those stupid, petty fights we had like when we were starting out, but the kind that can ruin your relationship, you get me? and the one's that leave you both not talking to each other til like the next day, or maybe til the day after that, and if it's really that bad, the next week, i've been crying my heart out every night. i cry for him, i cry for our problems, i just cry. cry for fear of losing someone like him, fear that things will end up badly and one of us would get hurt... etc. at least my tears are for someone very special, and not just over some guy who doesn't care enough to say goodbye to me the day he's leaving, neither tell you when he's gonna leave for spain. ok, now that's a different story. i heard somewhere, or i think someone told me this, or whichever, that you gotta look for the guy who makes every tear, every heartache, every pain you feel cos of that person, worthwhile, and i found him. i mean you don't HAVE to look, but whatever. and really, i did. no doubt about it. i know that it's really early to be saying that, but who the hell cares? it's me who feels that it is, not them. no one can say that im wrong, because how can i be wrong when i feel it? i've been feeling that feeling, although i can't say what it is, duh, because you just feel it, you just know. anyway, i've been feeling that feeling ever since i chose him. at first it was a bit fuzzy and unclear, but then when things came around, that's when things began to unfold for me, making things just a bit more clear for me to understand just what it is i see in him. and that's why almost all my tears are for him. i don't just cry cos he hurt me or the fact that were fighting, i cry because im happy with him, and i still am, i cry because i miss him, i cry because he chose me, not that he had much of a choice, but, yah. so crying for him can't be all about bad stuff you know. i cry at night cos that's when i remember everything. and i mean everything that's happened between us, since then and until now. it just comes to me, like i just can't control it. it's where i can let everything out, because i just lie there, on my side, on my bed, then suddenly, the next thing i know, im crying. the tears begin to roll down, and by the time i realize this, i try to stop it, try to be strong, but then it's too late, and once i let the first tear drop, it just keeps on coming. and then im aware that im crying. it's like they know if im going to think of a thought, then before i actually think of it, the tears are there first. the thinking comes afterward. weird, i know. well thats me for you. i know crying can be unhealthy, especially if it's every day, but come on, this is how people let everything out. although they don't admit that, they probably cry secretly... or maybe they don't have to cry to get things out, they could also write poems, blog, write on their journals/diary, listen to music... oh wait, that's what i do. oh well. but who knows? they might be doing the same thing. and i say, im not afraid to cry. im not afraid to let them know that i do. maybe crying isn't something to be proud of doing, because then you have the term, "cry baby", well, i guess that's another thing. this is different. i cry for problems... and etc. but still, crying is crying. oh well.

as i sit here, at this very moment, i have to say that i do not know what to tell you. i do not know what to say first. i do not know how i feel. so many thoughts are running through my head and i don't know how on earth i'd be able to get them out so you could read it. and yes, if you're wondering if something happened, then yes is my answer. i cannot lie. something did happen. my thoughts and feelings seem to have been haunting me since the 9th of april. haunting me cos i keep replaying those words i dread hearing, but i know will end up being said. but i didn't know they'd come so soon.

break up. break up. break up.

those words, although simple, are deadly. the virus that ruins even the strongest of relationships. so you've surv. ived some really shitty fights, but soon it will catch up to you both, somehow, and i guess it caught up to us last sunday, but that wasn't official yet, thank God. how could it have caught up with us? weren't we miles, and miles away from where we last fought? maybe its because i got tired and slowed down a bit that it somehow caught up? could be... damn im weak. all i wanted was this story, my story, to go on til its through. all i wanted was him and me waking up at the same bed we've been sharing for the past 49 years. going on 50 next month. 50th wedding anniversary. wow, weve made it that far already? *sigh* snap back to reality, im still 15 and not yet married. i just wanna wake up every morning to see his face beside mine, not some other guy... if i did, i'd get up every morning feeling oh so hopeless feeling like the love of my life is waking up with the wrong woman, when really, that girl should be me. i've fantasized myself waking up to see stephen by my side, wedding ring surrounding his left finger. but those, im afraid, are just selfish, childish fantasies. with this virus, it is almost impossible to get us well and strong again, just like we were back then when it was new, unless a miracle happens, or somebody up there who loves us so much to let us keep going. this "break up" could ruin our already planned future together, and i don't want that to happen. (oh God, im crying) i cry for him. for me. for us. i can't help it. the tears keep streaming down and there's nothing i can do to stop them from coming, because i keep giving in. i always give in. it's just too soon, 3 months is just not enough. i guess i can never have my happy ending. so what if it's still early? i always thought that this time stephen would give me that happy ending, maybe he still will. you know, i never had a relationship last for more than 3 months. maybe im cursed. maybe it's bad luck. maybe it's not meant to be. but i don't give up easily. if i see my partner giving up and thinking we should call it quits, that is where i get weak, for i can't do this on my own, maybe that's mostly the reason i never got to 4 months, or even more, with ANY guy... even if we intended to in the first place, it's just like that, and i want stephen to change all that to prove me wrong, then maybe this thing im thinking about wouldn't be my fault all my relationships couldn't last, or went down the drain. i am sorry, for my thoughts have gone almost everywhere, going to one thought to another, wishing i could all tell you how i feel, but this whole entry wouldn't be enough. and the tears keep falling, how do i stop them? some people make it seem so easy. this reminds me of a book, a novel actually, by Nicholas Sparks. i read it twice already and it still made me cry. what if my life was made into a novel? author of course, me? would people laugh? cry? be angry & sad? there's something to think about. would everyone like it? would they hate it? i don't really know. i have loads of stories that i have to share, maybe making a book is the right way to share it. "The Story of My Life". Nah, it's no Helen Keller. just me and my life is all i have to tell, and the story behind every tear that i shed, every smile put on my face, and every laugh that you heard. it will be all there. no lies, no secrets. you'll get to know everything and anything there is to know about me if i made that book. another thought coming. what if my pillows were able to tell other people just how many tear stains lay beneath the cotton, what would their reaction be? "ooh, a talking pillow!" no. seriously. what would it be? *sigh* my thoughts are all over the place. im sorry. i need someone to hug. i need my pillow and my teddy bear. i need the comforts of my room so i could let everything out and my room wouldn't do anything, much less say anything. i need my friends. i (still) need stephen. my time is up. 'nuff said. for now.

so yesterday was fun! haha yeah... cos i skated! with my bestfriend and boyfriend! and that was my first time, too, and i didn't fall either! so cool. and for once, he wasn't late. cos he had a ride with kheem (bestfriend) from palms and that's where they met, and... there, haha. anyway, i've been wanting forever to share this with you, but never ever got the time, so here it goes, and pen, don't get mad, im just sharing this haha, there's this guy i saw in one of pen's entry comments, and so i got curious and went to his blog, and i read his blog, well most of it, and i thought he was a good writer, and really! he is, i mean... "wow" so anyway, i decided to make a comment, and then, before i know it, were chattin! (in ym i mean) and these past few days have been a blast! nyehaha, we've been getting to know each other and stuff, and i found many things in common, like he likes pasta, lasagna, japanese food, sushi, katsudon! tempura, and oh so many more! and were like, "are you copying me?" haha but seriously, it's really nice to know you have so much in common with another person of the opposite sex, ya know? and he makes me laugh, like in ym we were chattin right? and he said something funny, or was that a typo, im not sure but anyway, it made me laugh my ass off! seriously i was laughing and holding my tummy so tight haha, that was so cool, i needed a good laugh anyway, and then we keep having conferences in ym cos i wanna hear him play the guitar and violin, and boy is he good! he played i wanna grow old with you, and i sang along, it was soo cool, and he's good at playing the violin too. hmm, what else, our conversations are awesome, so many things to talk about, and boy, when we meet, whenever that is, we have loads to do! like im gonna sing, he's gonna sing too, i'd bring him a homemade lasagna, made by me for him, and... darn should've wrote those things down, ahaha oh well... he's a nice guy, sweet even, but he says he's not, *sigh* am i the only one that thinks that? well, i guess so, haha, or maybe not, im not sure, but he is though, no doubt. and he has a cat, she's really adorable, and cute! i told him that he's lucky to have her... well anyway, he's really awesome, and i so like his name! haaay hehe... it's so... so.... something haha! (pen might get mad if i say it eh)

so there we go, just thought i'd share it with you guys:) sorry if i was boring the hell outta you! you didn't have to read you know haha well, gotta go! <3>