as i sit here, at this very moment, i have to say that i do not know what to tell you. i do not know what to say first. i do not know how i feel. so many thoughts are running through my head and i don't know how on earth i'd be able to get them out so you could read it. and yes, if you're wondering if something happened, then yes is my answer. i cannot lie. something did happen. my thoughts and feelings seem to have been haunting me since the 9th of april. haunting me cos i keep replaying those words i dread hearing, but i know will end up being said. but i didn't know they'd come so soon.

break up. break up. break up.

those words, although simple, are deadly. the virus that ruins even the strongest of relationships. so you've surv. ived some really shitty fights, but soon it will catch up to you both, somehow, and i guess it caught up to us last sunday, but that wasn't official yet, thank God. how could it have caught up with us? weren't we miles, and miles away from where we last fought? maybe its because i got tired and slowed down a bit that it somehow caught up? could be... damn im weak. all i wanted was this story, my story, to go on til its through. all i wanted was him and me waking up at the same bed we've been sharing for the past 49 years. going on 50 next month. 50th wedding anniversary. wow, weve made it that far already? *sigh* snap back to reality, im still 15 and not yet married. i just wanna wake up every morning to see his face beside mine, not some other guy... if i did, i'd get up every morning feeling oh so hopeless feeling like the love of my life is waking up with the wrong woman, when really, that girl should be me. i've fantasized myself waking up to see stephen by my side, wedding ring surrounding his left finger. but those, im afraid, are just selfish, childish fantasies. with this virus, it is almost impossible to get us well and strong again, just like we were back then when it was new, unless a miracle happens, or somebody up there who loves us so much to let us keep going. this "break up" could ruin our already planned future together, and i don't want that to happen. (oh God, im crying) i cry for him. for me. for us. i can't help it. the tears keep streaming down and there's nothing i can do to stop them from coming, because i keep giving in. i always give in. it's just too soon, 3 months is just not enough. i guess i can never have my happy ending. so what if it's still early? i always thought that this time stephen would give me that happy ending, maybe he still will. you know, i never had a relationship last for more than 3 months. maybe im cursed. maybe it's bad luck. maybe it's not meant to be. but i don't give up easily. if i see my partner giving up and thinking we should call it quits, that is where i get weak, for i can't do this on my own, maybe that's mostly the reason i never got to 4 months, or even more, with ANY guy... even if we intended to in the first place, it's just like that, and i want stephen to change all that to prove me wrong, then maybe this thing im thinking about wouldn't be my fault all my relationships couldn't last, or went down the drain. i am sorry, for my thoughts have gone almost everywhere, going to one thought to another, wishing i could all tell you how i feel, but this whole entry wouldn't be enough. and the tears keep falling, how do i stop them? some people make it seem so easy. this reminds me of a book, a novel actually, by Nicholas Sparks. i read it twice already and it still made me cry. what if my life was made into a novel? author of course, me? would people laugh? cry? be angry & sad? there's something to think about. would everyone like it? would they hate it? i don't really know. i have loads of stories that i have to share, maybe making a book is the right way to share it. "The Story of My Life". Nah, it's no Helen Keller. just me and my life is all i have to tell, and the story behind every tear that i shed, every smile put on my face, and every laugh that you heard. it will be all there. no lies, no secrets. you'll get to know everything and anything there is to know about me if i made that book. another thought coming. what if my pillows were able to tell other people just how many tear stains lay beneath the cotton, what would their reaction be? "ooh, a talking pillow!" no. seriously. what would it be? *sigh* my thoughts are all over the place. im sorry. i need someone to hug. i need my pillow and my teddy bear. i need the comforts of my room so i could let everything out and my room wouldn't do anything, much less say anything. i need my friends. i (still) need stephen. my time is up. 'nuff said. for now.